Reflecting on my superpowers
These are my powers and I promise to use them wisely.
One of my superpowers is bringing conversations to a standstill. I am extremely good at that. I can pull out this superpower on first dates, at stand-up cocktail parties and sit-down dinner parties. Actually, dinner parties are the most fun; when you can say something and then just hear the echo of cutlery clanking on plates, you know you’ve got the gift.
I know what you’re thinking, what do you say to bring a conversation to a standstill?
Well, let me tell you, first and foremost, timing is everything. I recommend cutting someone off and changing the subject abruptly. Start talking about someone nobody at the dinner party knows then relaying a story that you think is hysterically funny. Your dinner party guests may look at you doubtfully, at which point I would go ahead and remind them that the story is not just hysterical, it will cause them to weep and hold onto their sides from laughing and convulsing. Creating high expectations is critical. As you tell the story, you veer off the road slightly because there are details — -though not critical to the plot — -which will nonetheless enhance the story. Who was it that said “love is in the details”? Was it Oprah or Carrot Top?
Regardless, it’s all about the little things you add to bring the story to life. You may start to lose people (ahhhh the unleashing of the superpower!), but that’s okay, force eye contact with one person and if you fear you’re losing that person, refer to him or her by name. “You know what I’m saying, don’t you Dave?”
“Dave” will probably smile weakly before looking away and then you will be performing a monologue to a room full of averted eyes and silence and you will have worked your magic.
I asked my friend Ratty what his superpower was and he told me that it was getting frustrated to the point of tears with things that are trivial: “Typically the tears are in private but the stuff is so nothingy if someone saw me crying over it they’d DEFINITELY ask, “Are you okay?”. And not in the way that you’d ask someone if they were crying in general but in the way that indicates there is “something else going on”.
I can totally relate of course.
Crying is also one of my superpowers. Let me be crystal clear, “crying at work” is one of my superpowers. It is an amazing skill. I first cried at work as an intern and I’ve been doing it consistently since then. I think the time I’m most proud of is crying in front of my supervisor who was a good 25 years younger then me. The man was one of those cigarette-pant-colourful-socks wearing hotshots enslaved to grind culture. I believe one of his catch phrases was “strategic thinking changed my life.” He made my life a living hell, so one morning I called him up over Zoom and wailed about his unreasonable expectations until my face was streaked and bubbles came out of my nose. He looked like a cornered animal. “But if you just followed the project plan…” he said. I shook my head and carried on crying and choking out the words that I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
Then I looked up and he was just frozen. Yes. I froze him. My tears did that!
These are my powers and I promise to use them wisely.
