Relationship Vice. Trust Me, I’m An Expert.
Hi ev’ry body!
I’m here to give you advice on issues of the heart. Love, Dating, or as I prefer to call it, ‘going steady,’ ‘stepping out’ or, ‘courting,’ and the big Arr, Romance.
What makes me an expert? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?
I’m here to tell you about that hearty hat-trick. What women want. What men want. What women and men want when they’re wanting.
1st Person: Is this advice only for heterosexuals? I’m actually homosexual.
Me: You can take that woke (whatever that is) nonsense elsewhere Sonny Jim.
1st Person: Don’t patronise me.
Me: Sunny Jemima.
So what do you need to know about for relationshipy happyness?
1. Communication
This is very important. If you can’t y’know, thingy stuff when it comes to whatchamacallits what’s the fucking point eh?
2. Honesty
Honesty? But what is honesty?
1st Person: According to Wikipedia, “Honesty or truthfulness is a facet of moral character that connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, straightforwardness, including straightforwardness of conduct, along with the absence of lying, cheating, theft, etc. Honesty also involves being trustworthy, loyal, fair, and sincere.”
Me: Alright mate, no one likes a show off. Pay no attention to that 1st Person behind the blog.
Anyway, honesty. Most people aren’t on dating apps, however you should treat any prospective partner like they’re on a dating app. Lie lie lie. Then if it don’t work out, blame them.
3. Love spells
Well last time I looked love spells L, O, V, E. So that’s that sorted innit.
4. The beast with two backs
I have no sex tips. If I had sex tips this might imply I’ve had sex with a shit load of people and therefore know what I’m talking about. However this would undermine me telling you how to maintain a long-term relationship, as I’ve obviously not managed to maintain one myself. One of those rare occasions where practice would make you imperfect.
5. Money
Any future partner needs to be loaded, that way they can look after you. Alternatively, you need to be loaded so you can look after them. Alternatively, you are both alright moneywise and you can both go Swedish on shit.
1st Person: ‘Dutch.’
Me: Bless you.
6. Diversity
Don’t be blinkered when looking for love. Think outside the boxer shorts or boxer knickers. For example have you ever thought about going out with someone who is, say, not the person you last went out with? Try it, you just might like it.
Remember, I’m here for you.
No, not you. Does you partner know you’re reading this?
My advice is always:
Measured Accurate Diligent Enlightened, Universal Professional.
Please do not turn that into an acronym.
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