Relationship Vice. Trust Me Men, I’m An Expert.
Hi ev’ry body!
I’m here to give you advice on issues of the heart. Love, Dating, or as I prefer to call it, ‘going steady,’ ‘stepping out’ or, ‘courting,’ and the big Arr, Romance.
What makes me an expert? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?
This is part two of a two part binary twinny piece where I give advice to women and to men pacifically.
1st Person: “Specifically.”
Me: Bless you.
This time we concentrate on Men. By the way that,
was part one.
Anyway….
1. Me, Myself and Me
The first question is the most important question. Are you happy with yourself? If the answer is yes, then be prepared to change to woo a woman.
1st Man: Yeah! Cos the ladies always be wanting to change us guys! Am I right or am I right? [raises hand for high-five]
Me: Not gonna happen.
Change is good, especially if it means meeting the woman of your dreams. Meeting the woman of your dreams is actually an unachievable fantasy, but you know what I’m getting at innit.
2. Communication
This is thingy in any future relationship. Women like to talk about themselves. So choose girly topics like Football, Rugby, Boxing, Cricket and Dressage. Not Netball though, cos that would be sexist.
However, beware of the “Tell me about yourself” trap. A pal of mine recently stepped out with a woman and made the mistake of answering this question. Idiot. He obliged by telling her about his hobbies and interests. She never rang him back. The fact that on the way home he fell in the canal and lost his phone, I’m sure is purely coincidental.
3. Shivel, shival, shivul…. Opening doors for women and shit
In the olden days women liked doors being opened for them. Men even got bonus points for throwing down their cloaks and saying, “M’Lady.” Although women may not have actually liked any of this but didn’t say anything for fear of being called a witch.
It’s the 21st century dudes, women have different expectations when approaching a hinged, sliding, or revolving barrier at the entrance to a building, room, or vehicle, or in the framework of a cupboard.
One thing remains constant though. Women like to be treated like princesses. Just look at the popularity of the culturally diverse Disney live action remake of the Little Mermaid due in 2023. However, you may be required to dismiss any woman who isn’t a fan of the remake as a racist, rather than engage in a discussion about how a story about a young woman who gives up everything for a man, is inherently flawed. Heated debates are bad on dates!
4. What Women Want
For some reason the answer to this question is a mystery to men. The answer is simple. If you want to know what women want, ask them.
Me: Excuse me Ms Madam. You’re a woman. What do women want?
Woman: Well I want that pack of bog roll behind you. For some reason you’re stood in the way, in the middle of an aisle, in a supermarket, writing on your laptop. Prick.
That encounter conveniently brings me onto….
5. Flirting
It’s a minefield, yourfield, an ourfield apparently. Whatever field it is do you really want to be wearing red when you see the love bull? Just for clarification, the answer is, “No.”
My flirting advice is to watch out for visual cues such as women not smiling, or women grimacing, or women pulling a puke face. Any of these indicate a negative reaction. Speak slowly so you can pick up on any negative visual cues.
Try this line chatting up: You. Look. Like. The. Type. Of. Person. Who. Might. Be. Comfortable. If. I. Were….. Actually, bogga flirting. It takes way too long.
6. Character
Women like the strong silent type. For example, a builder who gets on with the job, rather than chatting about Dressage with a client. Yes, I know you get female builders. However they won’t be reading this, as they’ll be working innit.
Remember that famous quote about how simple it is to keep a woman happy? You must be a manservant in the living room, a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Well that tomfoolish talk is now redundant. You can be whoever you want to be, as long as what you want to be is attractive to women.
Run free, run free!
Not you, you’ve a girlfriend.
My advice is always:
Measured Accurate Diligent Enlightened, Universal Professional.
Please do not turn that into an acronym.
