“Let the little children come to me,” famous 19th century painting being circulated by the religious right. (Carl Bloch)

Religious Right Rallies to Drumpf

Free pass for “naughtiness toward girls”

Phillip T Stephens

Despite the uproar over Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta’s cutting a sweetheart deal for child molester and sexual predator Jeff Epstein, Drumpf’s approval among the religious right remains as strong as ever. “We can’t hold God’s chosen President accountable for the corrupt politicians he surrounds himself with,” claimed evangelist Franklin Graham. “Evil is like moths. Attracted to the light of God which shines from every orifice, I mean, office of the White House.”

Drumpf drew fire from critics when he told reporters he “feels bad” for Acosta and Epstein (his go to phrase for associates within his circle who are busted by the Press, police or both). “These guys are doing the best they can, and people criticize them for shit they did twelve years, months, even a couple of days ago. Sure, Jeffrey may or may not have been a bad guy, but he knew how to throw a party and all the little sluts he invited loved him for it. Think of the damage these underage girls have done to the poor man’s reputation. He has to pay three times as much for a date as he did before this shit started. And Alex, he was just doing his job. Whose word’s a jury going to take, an upstanding citizen who can finance the college education of every juror? Or fifty or sixty underage immature girls who aren’t even virgins any more? Great guy or sluts? No jury would’ve convicted him. But Alex still got him to sign off on a harsh, harsh sentence. You should thank our Labor Secretary.”

“I thought I was fucked. But the boss came to bat for me the way I came to bat for Jeff. And I didn’t have to cough up a huge bribe like Jeff did.”

Acosta, who had been sweating bullets about his future, was relieved at Drumpf’s decision. “I thought I was fucked,” he admitted to reporters. “But the boss came to bat for me the way I came to bat for Jeff. And I didn’t have to cough up a huge bribe like Jeff did.”

Graham, one of the foremost spokesmen for the moral majority, and who stresses the need to uphold the Ten Commandments, backed Drumpf’s decision. “The Bible preaches forgiveness. What’s more Christian than that? And when we’ve exterminated the secular humanist liberals from the face of the planet for their unholy heathen liberal ways, there will be more forgiveness than ever.”

When asked how the religious right could condone the sexual abuse and trafficking of children, Graham replied, “We ask ourselves what Jesus would do? And he wouldn’t have any problems with young girls under adult supervision. Remember, Mary and Martha may have been no more than twelve or thirteen themselves. The Bible doesn’t say.”

“The Bible preaches forgiveness. What’s more Christian than that? And when we’ve exterminated the secular humanist liberals from the face of the planet for their unholy heathen liberal ways, there will be more forgiveness than ever.”

Graham added, “Everybody thinks Jesus was a virgin, but the Bible doesn’t tell us that. Think about it. All those course fishermen, tax collectors and carpenters traveling with twelve-year-old fully-grown women, one of whom we know rubbed oil all over him. Expensive oil. How’s that different than what the President’s done?” Graham went on to deny that he completely reversed two thousand years of orthodox teaching. “Look, if you have the money to buy God’s forgiveness, you might as well buy it. And if you have the money to buy the Justice Department, you might as well do that too.”

Drumpf added a new wrinkle to the story when he concluded his announcement of an executive order requiring applicants for apartments, mortgages, driver’s licenses or hospital admission to answer the citizenship question banned from the Census. “While we’re at it, I’m also announcing my new preemptive pardon policy. From here forward I’m pardoning respectable wealthy men, except for Harvey Weinstein and Democratic donors, of any MeToo related offenses. The pardon applies going forward or backward, and includes me, since everyone knows those slut liars’ allegations against me are pointless. I would never touch a woman inappropriately. These disgusting women can exercise their free speech rights all they want, but they can’t take it to the cops.”

“If you have the money to buy God’s forgiveness, you might as well buy it. And if you have the money to buy the Justice Department, you might as well do that too.”

He then showed a pardon to reporters and said, “Jeff. You’re off the hook. I’m sorry for the shit the Obama administration put you through. Just don’t bring the girls to Mar-A-Lago. Keep them out of sight. Okay?”

As to Acosta, White House sources confirm his future’s in doubt. An anonymous source told The Haven, “he should have called Bill Barr and stopped this investigation in New York before it became such a big story. Or cracked down on immigrant labor in Democratic districts. It’s not like he does anything now but sit in his office and collect his check. At least the President Tweets to earn his salary.”

Additional photo credits: Matt Johnson, Gage Skidmore, Haim Zach.


Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

If you appreciate his stories, please support him with small subscription at Curious Fictions.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

If you appreciate his stories, please support him with small subscription at Curious Fictions.

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A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk