Report: “I’m Gonna Throat-Punch Grandma if She Calls Scrabble, ‘The Scramble,’ one More Time This Holiday”
METHUEN, MA — Saying the joke had turned into an actual threat even before dessert was served, an anonymous member of the Creed family, gathering at their Mother and Father’s house in upper Massachusetts to celebrate the holidays, said without a doubt that he or she wasn’t fucking around anymore, and issued a report unequivocally stating that: ‘I’m gonna throat-punch Grandma if she calls Scrabble, The Scramble, one more fucking time this holiday.’
“I swear it’s like that senile bitch does this shit on purpose to get attention. All the cousins and Grandkids already fawn all over her, asking what Grandpa was like when he was alive,” began said family member while setting up extra chairs in the living room for after-dinner game time. “Well, I’ll tell you what he’d be like now, Grandma,” continued, assumably one of her children or grandchildren considering how worked up they were getting. “He’d probably be opening another beer and telling you to shut the fuck up under his breath. Because, like, 3 different people have corrected you, like they do every year and you either don’t listen or think it’s cute,” they added, now talking to themselves alone as they set up the Scrabble board and scattered the letters. “But please, keep annoying the shit out of your family who pretends to laugh every year when you confuse Lori for Lily or ask Kevin what he wants for graduation even when we tell you every single fucking time he graduated 6 years ago!”
As the mystery sibling went back into the kitchen to start slicing the pie, the report concluded by noting the high likelihood that Grandma would, like clockwork, think the game was over when she ran out of letters.
