Reports of Unsolicited Soccer Talk from Alexi Lalas Soar
Authorities: Fox Sports Analyst Cornering Unsuspecting People Nationwide
Since last month’s dramatic conclusion of the 2022 World Cup, news outlets and police organizations across the nation are reporting a concerning uptick in calls from citizens regarding U.S. men’s national team member and current Fox Sports analyst Alexi Lalas. According to sources, Lalas, finding himself no longer being force broadcast daily into American homes, has taken to unsolicited hyper-opining at unwitting and defenseless victims.
“When the World Cup was going on Americans had no choice but to listen to his innumerable and endless ‘hot takes,’” explained Capitan Americano, a member of the U.S. soccer fan group the American Outlaws. “Honestly, while we all miss the majesty and spectacle of the tournament, the silence and calm of life without Alexi was a great and welcome relief. But now, it seems like there is no escape.”
According to witness/victims, Lalas tends to corner and isolate an individual or small group and then proceeds to rant on topics ranging from the pros and cons of various formations, criticisms of Serbia’s roster choices and detailed descriptions of various stadia in Qatar.
Authorities advise those not wanting to be “Lalased” to avoid obvious locations such as Hooter’s, Buffalo Wild Wings and generic local sports bars across the country. That said, they caution, there appears to be no safe community or location.
“We in law enforcement have been trying to anticipate his next appearance so that we can intercede and strongly suggest that perhaps Alexi just go home or maybe take a little Wi-Fi-free international vacation,” explained Atlanta Chief of Police Darin Schierbaum. “But there is just no pattern. He is in a Gary, Indiana Waffle House one day, at the Hard Rock Orlando the next and then in the gift shop at Zion National Park the following. We are either dealing with a mad genius or someone who is fully unhinged.”
“Over the holiday we visited Arlington Cemetery and Alexi Lalas popped out from behind the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and started insisting that soccer goals should be enlarged,” wrote Marc Wallace, a D.C. tourist and father of four. “We were straining to hear the footsteps of the silent soldier guarding the tomb over the din of Lalas screaming into what appeared to be a hairbrush about goal dimensions. It just didn’t seem like the time or place, IMHO.”
“I was in church on Christmas Eve and the congregation was singing ‘Silent Night’ by candlelight and I felt so moved by the spirit,” explained Amanda Krauss of Dayton, Ohio. “I closed my eyes and just basked in the splendor of the Christmas story when Alexi Lalas sidled up to me and used my raised arm to demonstrate to our pew where a handball should and should not be called. I’m not saying he ruined Jesus’ birthday but it definitely ruined the mood.”
As of the filing of this story, there are reports of Lalas riding a United Airlines baggage carousel at Boston’s Logan Airport while making an impassioned plea for a kick-in option on sideline throw ins. Citizens are urged to avoid the area if at all possible. Those who do encounter Lalas are advised to either nod in affirmation while slowly backing away from him or point excitedly behind him while shouting “camera” and then fleeing when he turns.
