Republican Conscience Cleaner

Helps rid you of those annoying ethical pangs

David Martin
Feb 17 · 3 min read
Photo by Julia Zolotova on Unsplash

Are you a legislator who’s having a hard time sleeping? Do you find yourself tossing and turning, constantly worried about following your principles or doing a proper job?

Then you need Conscience Cleaner®, the brand new ethics cleanser brought to you by today’s Republican Party, the makers of Truth-B-Gone®. Whether you’re a conservative Republican, a Tea Party Republican or a wackadoodle QAnon Republican, Conscience Cleaner® is just what you need to eliminate those ethical doubts and nasty pangs of conscience.

You may have started your political life with a set of principles and some laudable public service goals. But somehow, somewhere you got a bit sidetracked and now surprisingly find yourself befriending a malignantly narcissistic ex-President, separating children from their immigrant parents and even supporting seditious insurrectionists.

Initially, you had serious doubts and anxiety regarding these superficially untenable positions. Not only did you suffer sleepless nights, you also had digestive issues, in particular difficulties swallowing unethical points of view.

Thankfully Conscience Cleaner® can quickly dissolve all these troublesome dilemmas. Just a single dose once a day will help eliminate any nasty core beliefs or moral codes. Ironically, it strengthens your constitution by helping you to completely forget the U. S. Constitution.

And unlike other integrity suppressors, Conscience Cleaner® has no troubling side effects like blushing, shame or embarrassment. Once your conscience has been wiped clean, you will feel no ill effects and can easily lie or dissemble without any obvious signs of guilt.

But don’t take our word for it. Listen to some of the hundreds of satisfied customers and their glowing testimonials.

Lindsey G. from South Carolina, for example, swears by our product. Lindsey says: “I used to get really upset with myself when I would take a stance on judicial appointments and then four years later completely reverse myself. But now with Conscience Cleaner®, I can switch positions the very next day and not even bat an eye.”

Kevin McC. from California also raves about our product. Kevin says: “Conscience Cleaner® has been a godsend for me. It has allowed me to be a dedicated Trump fan even when I blamed him for inciting an insurrectionist mob. After just two doses, I was able to fly down to Mar-a-Lago conscience-free and beg for forgiveness.”

Our product comes highly recommended not just by traditional Republicans but also by the most flagrant Trump toadies. Customers like Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley and Jim Jordan swear by the conscience-clearing powers of our product although, in fairness, these folks may never have had a conscience in the first place.

So don’t delay; if you’re a Republican with even a few remaining ethical standards or strands of decency, take Conscience Cleaner® today and kiss your integrity goodbye. Comes in a tasty grape Kool-Aid-flavored liquid or a convenient butt-kissing suppository.

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David Martin

Written by

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

David Martin

Written by

David Martin has published several humor collections including “Dare to be Average” and “Screams and Whispers”, all of which are available on Amazon.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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