Republicans Say Hallmark Movies Are Woke
“If people wanna see how real Americans make romance, they should watch porn.”
The “Anti-Woke Caucus”¹ in the House of Representatives has a new enemy in its war on political correctness: Hallmark Channel romance movies. According to its leader, Representative Jim Banks,² “Hallmark offers Americans a Woke fantasy version of romantic relationships. Like what constitutes a “happy ending.” In Hallmark movies, couples feel warm and fuzzy. In real life, they end up wet and sticky.”
Hallmark rom-coms³ — which the channel churns out at the rate of one a week⁴ — are variations of a standard formula. Plucky Miss Yuppie arrives in an idyllic country village to buy a struggling dairy farm. The developers she represents want to ditch the cows and raise a crop of condos. She has a chance encounter at the drug store with the town’s handsome veterinarian, who’s also the son of the farm’s owner. They have nothing in common except their disdain for each other. Even so, they gradually fall for each other’s charms during run-ins at the farm market, diner, and dog adopt-a-thon. Miss Yuppie has a change of heart. She organizes a cookie baking contest to pay off the farm’s debt. The event draws the couple together. But an overheard hurtful conversation threatens to split them up. Fortunately, with five minutes left in the movie, they clear up the misunderstanding. Miss Yuppie forsakes the city, marries the vet, and lives happily ever after.
It’s not just the plots that make Hallmark movies wholesome. Scriptwriters follow a strict set of G-rated rules. Women don’t display décolletage, bare thighs, nor the skin in between. Men never appear stripped to the waist. There’s no drugs or drunkenness. No physical violence, cussing, or arguing; only good-natured joshing is allowed. There’s no infidelity and divorces. Nor divisive issues like politics and race. Hallmark movies go overboard on weddings and Christmas, but never allude to specific religions. Finally, regardless of an actor’s range, they restrain their emotions. No anger; just frustration. No bawling; just tears. No passion; just tenderness. And speaking of passion, the couple kisses just once in the movie, at the end, closed mouth, no tongue.
“No tongue?” exclaimed Congresswoman Debbie Lesko. “That’s a pansy-ass approach to romance. Thankfully, porn shows how dating really goes in America: couples tongue each others’ naughty bits during the opening credits.”
Congresswoman Lesko had openly admitted what Republicans have long believed: porn offers realistic portrayals of romantic relationships in America. And it helps people set reasonable expectations.
“Look at the facts,” said Congressman Matt Gaetz. “A date night for the chairman of the Florida Republican Party and his wife is a threesome.⁵ To a former president of Liberty University, a romantic evening is watching his honey straddle the pool boy’s saddle.⁶ Trump has a unique way of saying howdy-do to women.⁷ As for me, I’m a shy guy. I prefer having friends set me up on blind dates. Preferably with nubile young ladies⁸ who come with their own cab fare, so I don’t need to leave them a twenty on the nightstand.”
“Where do we get those ideas about love and romance?” asked the congressman. “We get ’em from porn. Sure, we tell Republican voters that we support traditional family values. Like we tell ’em we live according to Christian principles.⁹ And that we abide by the Constitution. But c’mon. Anyone gullible enough to swallow those whoppers also believes conspiracy theories.”
On December 6th, the Anti-Woke Caucus held a day-long hearing on the Hallmark Channel. Sure enough, they found damning evidence that Hallmark movies are Woke romance fantasies.
“For starters,” said Congressman Tom Tiffany, “Hallmark brainwashes people into thinking love only blooms between beautiful people. Adorable women like Lacey Chabert. Handsome men like Andrew Walker.”
“What a crock,” scoffed the congressman. “As porn plainly shows, even a plain-Jane work-at-home envelope-stuffer can find true love and penetration. A horny DoorDasher, drain snaker, or Good Humor man is bound to ring her doorbell on any given day. Likewise, a ninety-pound, near-sighted nerd can find affection and fellatio. All he has to do is hit the gym, and a personal trainer, towel girl, or Swedish volleyball team will pump up his love-muscle.”
“Another thing,” said Congressman Scott DesJarlais. “Hallmark would have us believe only Woke liberal elites find romance. Typically, she’s a marketing executive, clothing line buyer, sous-chef, mystery novelist, or wedding planner. He’s a dog shelter manager, innkeeper, food truck operator, or bakery owner. They’re always college-educated members of the professional and managerial classes, with the means and opportunities to pursue their dream jobs.”
“What about the real Americans who only have high school diplomas and work in dead-end jobs?” said the congressman. “Fortunately, porn shows that ‘We The People’ can find romance, too.”
- The dog-walker who earns so little, he sometimes eats the dogs’ stinky treats. But at least he can indulge his sexual compulsion to be collared.¹⁰
- The shoe salesmen whose job offers no benefits — except satisfying his shoe fetish¹¹ during business hours.
- The cafeteria lady who’s paid minimum wage. But she gets to serve mystery meat with a side of sitophilia.¹²
- The vacuum cleaner salesman who, on slow days in the showroom, uses the attachments on the latest models to give himself reverse blowjobs.”
Congresswoman Elise Stefanik was up next. She ridiculed Hallmark’s ploys for bringing couples together. “In one movie, a woman is hired by the prince of Ancadia to rehab a carousel that’ll be a Christmas gift for his niece. They work side-by-side for weeks to get the job done in time, then — surprise surprise — they fall in love with each other.”¹³
“Crimeny,” bitched the congresswoman, “no porn flick would tell such a cock and bull story. Their encounters are plausible. Like where a strapping young contractor approaches the busty owner of the house he’s renovating. He’s been pounding his putty, and wants to do something more. She checks to see if he has the right tool for the job. Then they start with something simple: she demonstrates how to blow insulation. Next, she has him tongue and groove her flooring. Then he enters her crawlspace and roughs in her plumbing. Finally, after he’s caulked the space ‘tween her tiles, she lets him work in her Mud Room.”
Congressman August Pfluger piped up about the Hallmark cliché “where couples dislike each other in the beginning, then become lovey-dovey. For example, estranged friends co-inherit a ramshackle Victorian house. One wants to restore it; the other, to raze it. Yet somehow, love blooms amidst the trim work and termites.”
“That’s preposterous,” said the congressman. “Once again, porn tells it like it really is. For example, a bachelor has dated women for years but refuses to settle down. One day, the dominatrix next door catches him peeking through her living room window while she’s showing a client the ropes. She storms over to his house, busts in, and gives him a severe tongue-lashing. That’s when this guy, who’s refused to be tied down, discovers that he actually likes it.”
Congressman Greg Steube wrapped up the hearing with a final shot at Hallmark. “They use the ‘opposites attract’ storyline too often. Look at their Downton Abbey rip-off called Butlers In Love.¹⁴ A flighty waitress studies at a renowned butler academy. She repeatedly crosses Butler Sticks¹⁵ with a prig who’s descended from a long line of butlers. But in a twist that surprises no one, they’re beguiled by each others’ quirks, and fall in love.”
“Like that would ever really happen,” jeered the congressman. “As usual, porn shows how opposites attract in real life. For instance, friends with benefits¹⁶ consider breaking up when she reveals she’s got a foot fetish,¹⁷ and he admits to having a hand fetish.¹⁸ Happily, they agree to stay together by meeting each other half way in their respective middles.”
[1]: “Here Is Who Will Serve On The Anti-Woke Caucus In Congress”, official website for Congressman Harriet Hageman, https://hageman.house.gov/media/in-the-news/exclusive-here-who-will-serve-anti-woke-caucus-congress
[2]: “New House ‘Anti-Woke Caucus’ will push back on ‘wokeness tyranny’”, Fox News, https://www.foxnews.com/politics/new-house-anti-woke-caucus-push-back-wokeness-tyranny-schools-military-govt-gop-rep[15]: “Friends With Benefits: What Does It Mean and Is It Right for You?”, Brides, https://www.brides.com/what-does-friends-with-benefits-mean-1021859
[3]: Hallmark Channel home page, https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/?glbnav=hc
[4]: “List of Hallmark Channel Original Movies”, Wikiwand, https://www.wikiwand.com/en/List_of_Hallmark_Channel_Original_Movies
[5]: “Rape and Threesome Accusations Stalk Florida GOP Leaders”, Advocate, https://www.advocate.com/crime/christian-ziegler-rape-allegation-threesome
[6]: “Jerry Falwell Jr ‘enjoyed watching’ his wife have sex”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/aug/28/jerry-falwell-jr-giancarlo-granda-becki-enjoyed-watching
[7]: “Transcript: Donald Trump’s Taped Comments About Women”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html
[8]: “Reporters who uncovered Matt Gaetz evidence baffled after DOJ drops sex trafficking case”, Salon, https://www.salon.com/2023/02/16/stunning-reporters-uncovered-matt-gaetz-evidence-baffled-after-doj-drops-trafficking-case/
[9]: “10 Guidelines for Christian Living”, The Billy Graham Library, https://billygrahamlibrary.org/10-guidelines-for-christian-living/
[10]: “Collars and Collaring”, Submissive Guide, https://submissiveguide.com/dsrelationships, fundamentals/series/series-collars-and-collaring
[11]: “My life in sex: the man with a shoe fetish”, The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/21/my-life-in-sex-the-man-with-a-shoe-fetish
[12]: “Eat Me”, Santa Fe Reporter, https://www.sfreporter.com/guides/loveandsex/2015/02/11/eat-me/
[13]: “A Christmas Carousel”, Hallmark Channel, https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/a-christmas-carousel
[14]: “Butlers In Love”, Hallmark Channel, https://www.hallmarkchannel.com/butlers-in-love
[15]: “Butlers and the Modern Butler Stick”, Etiquipedia, https://etiquipedia.blogspot.com/2014/01/butlers-and-butler-stick.html
[16]: “Friends With Benefits: What Does It Mean and Is It Right for You?”, Brides, https://www.brides.com/what-does-friends-with-benefits-mean-1021859
[17]: “What Is a Foot Fetish? Everything to Know, to Love, and to Lick”, Glamour, https://www.glamour.com/story/foot-fetish
[18]: “Hand Fetish: What It Is and How to Explore It”, Cosmopolitan, https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sexopedia/a38443155/hand-fetish/
