CHECK ’EM FOR FLEAS, TOO
“Republicans, Train Your Mutts To Sit-Stay”
“Feel free to use a shock collar.”
My name is Spike. I represent dogs in the United States who are owned by Republicans. I have an urgent message for Republican dog-moms and dog-dads. You want us to behave properly? You want us to not chase, chew, beg, bark, hump, pee, or poop in certain situations? Be consistent. If you want to discourage certain behaviors in us, you need to discourage them in your fellow Republicans. Knock off this “Do as we say, not as we do” doo-doo.
For example, you tell us to not hump people’s legs. Fine. Then don’t shower praise and kibble on the horndog who humps every piece of tail he can get his paws on. And if he knocks them up, abandons the mommies and puppies.
You don’t want us to poop in the neighbor’s yard. Ok. Don’t support the carpetbagging stray who waltzes onto your lawn, dumps a steaming hot one in the middle, then says that entitles him to treat the whole neighborhood as his territory.
You tell us to not eat poop. Then don’t watch the guy who crams crap down your throats on TV every night while wearing a shit-eating grin.
You tell us not to lick our balls. Then don’t vote for the guy who does nothing in the Senate all day but lick his cojones.
We’re not saying you shouldn’t discipline us. We misbehave sometimes.
We’re sorry we did it.
The problem is, you support people who aren’t sorry they misbehave. Indeed, misbehaving is their goal. Because they know that, while you’d never let us dogs get away with it, you’ll reward them with baby-talk and stinky treats.
We get it: you’re control freaks. You want us to sit, stay, and come on command.
But lately, you’ve gotten worse. You want to short-leash us. Choke-chain us. Shock-collar us. Make us roll over or beg for a raggedy blankie and a few crappy kibbles. You won’t protect us with vaccines because you don’t believe the science. You won’t license us because you think that’s government overreach. You won’t put identification microchips in us because you think the authorities will use them to track you. You neuter boy-dogs if they exhibit a mind of their own. And you want to completely control if, when, and how girl-dogs breed. Worst of all, you want incredibly squirrelly people to have those powers over us.
Well, Republican dog-moms and -dads, this is where we put our paws down. Stop the mind-boggling hypocrisy. Start walking your talk when you take us for a walk.
If you don’t, we’re gonna do as we please. We’ll chew and shred whatever we want. Jump on, bark at, and nip whomever we want. Drool, puke, pee, poop, and butt-scoot wherever we want.
Don’t bother yelling at us for chasing our tails. Not so long as you encourage an election-denying bow-wow to chase his.
Don’t bark at us for whining to get attention. Not when you reward the incessant, attention-getting whining by these yappy little bitches.
Don’t complain when we fart. Not when you belly-rub the lapdog who says the poop made by the rabid mutt next to him doesn’t stink. His nose has been up that cur’s flea-and-tick-ridden ass so long, he no longer knows what reeks and what doesn’t.
