Retired Coppertone Baby Shows Saggy Ass Cheek
“It’s time to squeeze those winter bods into your bikinis, people!” Said Illinois Governor Pritzker. It’s 35 degrees in the second city and everybody’s removing their parka. Sexy.
Lori Lightfoot and her wife were seen mask-icnicking at the Montrose Harbor, carrying parasols and fanning themselves as Chicago weather hit a scalding 37 degrees.
The Chicago Marathon was halted after two runners overheated. It was pretty touch-and-go for a few miles, watching athletes slipping on their own sweat until someone had the wherewithal to check out the thermometer. 37 degrees. Hopefully, no one sues the city for heatstroke.
People are selling water off of street corners for up to twenty dollars a bottle. Churches are remaining open 24/7 with air conditioners on full blast. It’s pandeheateum.
The retired Coppertone baby showed up on Oak Street Beach, hoping to reheat his old career. He was Tiktocked rubbing his one famous asscheek, now rather droopy, with the famous cancer-inducing brown oil.
Santa Monika rollerskaters are showing up in campers, turning Lake Shore Drive into Bay Watch Drive. Surfers are feeling rad as fuck, never having surfed on a glacier.
A man looking out from his balcony saw the sun moving extremely fast towards Chicago, which 60% of Chicagoans see as good news. It’s 35 degrees in Chicago, folks, and we’re not going back inside until it’s -0 again.
