The Haven
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The Haven

Reviews of Products from the Savanna Appliance Company Catalog

Photo by Jeff Griffith at Unsplash

Zebra Toaster

Two stars

Don’t be fooled by all the false slots. There are just two real slots in this toaster: one at the front, one at the back. If you put bread in the front slot, it eventually comes out the rear slot but it takes days — and when it does come out, it doesn’t look like toast. It’s brown all right, but it’s way too soft. When you try to spread butter on it, it just falls apart. If you try to put bread in the back slot, you will get knocked unconscious and when you wake up your toaster will be gone. I want to ask for a refund, but I have no idea where my toaster even is now.

White Rhinoceros Cooler

Zero stars

This product has been listed as “low stock” for years. There is no excuse for this. If the demand is so high, why doesn’t the company just make some more?

Thomson’s Gazelle Blender

Three stars

It makes hardly any noise when it operates. Great for making smoothies. The only downside is it’ll only let you put vegan ingredients in it. Don’t even think about adding milk or cream. The lever at the back doubles as an automatic flyswatter.

Elephant Flat Screen TV

Two and a half stars

Impressive size. You need to get an extension cord to use this though, since it’s only rarely found near an outlet and it’s very difficult to move into the vicinity of one — seriously, no wheels or runners. The only thing it broadcasts is cracked, dry skin (in HD). Also, it only comes in one color (gray). Is this someone’s idea of Scandi chic?

Hippo Waffle Iron

Five stars

My husband opened this waffle iron up and poured batter into it and it bit his head off! I admit that it left a perfect waffle impression on his face. I bought one for my neighbor, and she’s very happy with it. I love the oxpecker accessories. They’re good for removing the ticks and other parasites that adhere to this waffle iron.

Wildebeest Dishwasher

Zero stars

It’s only got one rack, and it’s almost impossible to balance plates on it. And glasses don’t stay on the ends of the pegs. And there’s nowhere to put the soap.

Meerkat Stand Mixer

Two stars

I ordered this because I really wanted to make nougat this weekend. What a disappointment! It stands up just fine, and it spins around after a fashion, but it doesn’t seem to come with any of the standard attachments. And I don’t think much of the dough hook. It’s far too flimsy to handle even the softest yeasted bread dough.

Warthog Air Conditioner

One star

Oh, plenty of air comes out of it, but it’s not cool air. And there’s no way to adjust the flow — it’s either completely stopped or it’s full-on, and I do mean full-on. It blew over the dog yesterday, and he’s still hiding under the couch.

Cheetah Coffeemaker

One star

Take my advice: Only use it to make decaf. I put caffeinated instant coffee into this thing once and I next thing I knew it was the on top of my refrigerator, then it pulled down the light fixture in my kitchen, it ate all the dog’s food and spent the afternoon running up and down my living room walls. I gave it one star, because it did wake me up.

Vervet Monkey Kettle

Five stars

It whistles when the water is boiling or if there is a leopard in my neighbor’s front yard. So useful!

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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

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