Richy Sunak. Antisocial Behaviour.
Yesterday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks a public swimming pool is what you call his private pool when his children have their mates round, made a speech about antisocial behaviour.
It would seem the government’s OPIA (Opposition Party Ideas Acquisitions) Department, has been working overtime, as this sudden focus on antisocial behaviour was exactly the same focus the Labour Party had last week.
Amongst various policy announcements, Mr Sunak promised that offenders would clean up damage within 48 hours. This is good news. It means that “Tory Scum” graff, down that street, will be swiftly removed.
Also last week, Mr Sunak saw off a possible party rebellion, over the post-Brexit legal agreement between the European Union and the United Kingdom, called the Windsor Framework. Chief rebels were the European Research Group (ERG), the club with a stupid name. There is nothing to research, the ERG hate the EU. By the way, the ERG Chairman is Mark Francois, a man so eurosceptic, his own name causes him major anxiety.
Less than a week is still a short long time in politics. How did we get to this point?
1st Person: You’ve just said. The Tories nicked Labour’s ideas.
Me: Don’t spoil it.
Time for, a fly on the wall.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Early afternoon, Thursday 23rd March
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….So how much to have it platinum plated instead of gold plated? Mmm, OK. Do you offer discounts for cash….?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: I smoke on the mic like “Smokin’ Joe” Frazier, The hell raiser, raisin’ hell with the flavour.
Rishi Sunak: Sorry, have to go. [puts phone down] ….Still not a fan of knocking Michael?
Michael Gove: Only boots Rishi. Have you heard?
Rishi Sunak: I can’t say I have Michael.
Michael Gove: Starmer has made a speech about antisocial behaviour.
Rishi Sunak: Anti what?
Michael Gove: Behaviour by a person which causes, or is likely to cause, harassment, alarm or distress to persons not of the same household as the person.
Rishi Sunak: Sorry Michael, I’m not with you.
Michael Gove: Have your neighbours never been an irritation?
Rishi Sunak: Well, the Chaucers briefly had a habit of putting their caviar onto toast using a little spoon, instead of pinching it out with a silver shovel…. However, apart from that….
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you? Antisocial behaviour will be a key Red Wall issue Rishi. I suggest you organise a focus group and come up with some policies in addition to the Labour ones.
Rishi Sunak: I’m a fan of the old skills Michael. I shall converse with the Working Class!
Mid morning, Friday 24th March
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: You said to remind you about the Lee Anderson call.
Rishi Sunak: Yes, of course, thank-you. I have to say I am slightly concerned we may not be on the same wavelength.
Downing Street Aide: Do you mean Prime Minister, that you might not be able to understand him because of his accent? I’m happy to translate if necessary. I’m originally from that region.
Rishi Sunak: Really? You don’t sound like you’re from there.
Downing Street Aide: I learnt to talk proper. Er, learned to talk properly.
[Rishi Sunak dials number]
Rishi Sunak: Hello Lee, you’re on speakerphone. I need to point out that they’re may be a bit of a delay on the line. We’re having tech difficulties here at Downing Street.
Lee Anderson, Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party: Fuckin’ Chinese. Fuckin’ 6G. I did tellya I used to be a miner dinta?
Downing Street Aide: He cracked a joke about BT digging up roads.
Rishi Sunak: Ha, very witty Lee. Firstly, I just want to say it’s great that you’re Working Class, and that we’re all excited you’re joining ‘Project Rishi.’
Lee Anderson: Kunt give two shits as long as I’m paid like what that claarn Zihawi were.
Downing Street Aide: He’s excited too.
Rishi Sunak: Good to hear it. I was wanting….
Lee Anderson: Whatya on abaart? Anyway. Sort them boats aart.
Downing Street Aide: He’s keen to address the issue of small boats.
Rishi Sunak: We are Lee. However, it needs to be done in a compassionate, fair and moral way.
Lee Anderson: Don’t listen to them woke wankers. Owz it racist? None in the boats are proper cullud.
Downing Street Aide: He suggests we should remain focused.
Rishi Sunak: Actually Lee, I rang you because I wanted to pick your brain about our focus on antisocial behavour….
Lee Anderson: Bring back ‘angin.’
Downing Street Aide: He suggested….
Rishi Sunak: [whispers] Thank-you. I got that one. Anything else you’d like to add in addition to your suggestion Lee?
Lee Anderson: Don’t fuck abaart. Bring back ‘angin.’
Downing Street Aide: He said….
Rishi Sunak: I know! Organise a focus group please.
Late afternoon, Friday 24th March
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: Suella Braverman is here to see you Prime Minister.
Rishi Sunak: How did she? No matter, send her in.
[voices]
“You can go in Ms Braverman!”
“How dare you tell me what to do!”
[silence]
[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]
Rishi Sunak [answering phone]: Come in!
Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: Hi Rishi, It’s Suella….
Rishi Sunak: Yes.
Suella Braverman: I need to talk to you about the Met Office.
Rishi Sunak [mutters]: The Met Office.
Suella Braverman: What was that?
Rishi Sunak: I’m glad you’re prioritising London policing. Please take a seat.
Suella Braverman: I’ll stand [sits down]. We need to talk about Louise Casey.
Rishi Sunak: Yes, the Baroness Casey Review is very concerning.
Suella Braverman: Concerning yes. How dare she call my Met institutionally racist, misogynistic and homophobic. Can we have her arrested?
Rishi Sunak: Well technically you are head of the police, so…. Of course you can’t have her arrested!
Suella Braverman: Woke police?
Rishi Sunak: No Suella. Perhaps your focus should be trying to solve some of the issues she highlighted?
Suella Braverman: What about the boats?
Rishi Sunak: A good government is able to multi-task Suella.
Suella Braverman [standing up]: Don’t be ridiculous. I have to go. My internal illegal migrant radar is telling me illegal migrants are illegally arriving on our shores. Still want that plane.
Early Morning, Sunday 26th March
1st Cleaner: ….We need to control our borders, we need to stop them boats.
2nd Cleaner: They’re hardly the Romans.
1st Cleaner: Rome what now? Anyway, minimum we need to stop the migrants languishing in hotels.
2nd Cleaner: The government are talking about using abandoned army bases. Your cousin lives near one, they could use….
1st Cleaner: Fuck no. Put them on ferries.
2nd Cleaner: Small boats to big boats. Sounds like a ship idea.
Early Evening, Sunday 26th March
[room next door]
Downing Street Aide: So just for clarification, this lot are representative of UK voters, yes?
Focus Group Assistant: Actually they’re representative of UK voters who respond well to tabloid headlines.
Downing Street Aide: It’ll have to do.
Focus Group Chair: Thank you all for coming. The government is introducing a new scheme targeting antisocial behaviour in your neighbourhoods. A key part of the scheme is “swift and visible justice.” Victims of crimes will be given a say over the type of punishment that offenders should face, as will communities. So, any suggestions?
1st Man: Well hanging’s too good for ‘em!
1st Woman: Hung, drawn and quartered then?
2nd Man: Bring back the guillotine I say!
2nd Woman: How about we put them in stocks and chuck rotten fruit at them?
2nd Man: What? Are you some kind of liberal?
3rd Man: This may sound sexist, but it ain’t. If they’re women, burn them at the stake?
4th Woman: ‘Course that’s sexist. Although I do think drowning would be a much better option.
5th Man: Boiling them alive would be quicker.
Focus Group Chair: OK OK. Please. None of the punishments can be medieval.
[silence]
1st Man: Electric Chair?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
‘Prequels’:
The ‘Boris Johnson’s’:
