Richy Sunak. Raab See Exit.
Yesterday, The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Rishi Sunak, a man so out of touch, he thinks an energy crisis is him getting tired halfway through counting his money, accepted the resignation of Dominic Raab.
Raab See Brexit resigned after a bullying inquiry found he acted in an “intimidating” and “aggressive” way towards civil servants. Or as Mr Raab might call it, “robust robustlyness.”
However, you would have to be pretty heartless not to sympathise with Mr Raab. You are doing a job you love….
1st Person: What? Bullying?
Me: No. Triple jobbing. Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Secretary of State for Justice, and Lord Chancellor.
Anyway, you’re doing a job you love, then suddenly you have to resign from it, with only five months notice that you might have to resign from it because you said you would be prepared to resign from it. What do you have to show for it? A pitiful Cabinet severance payout of over £16,000. Disgusting.
A day is a short time in politics. So is 24 hours.
Time for, a fly on the wall.
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Early Morning, Thursday 20th April
Me: ….Ay up. What’s your name then?
Fly: Gurl.
Me: Seriously? Fly Gurl?
Fly: Yes. Shush.
1st Cleaner: ….We need to control our borders, we need to stop them boats.
2nd Cleaner: They’re hardly Vikings.
1st Cleaner: Vike what now? Anyway, 45,000 migrants last year is unacceptable.
2nd Cleaner: Maybe Braverman should send that tough guy bully Raab to fight them on the beaches?
1st Cleaner: Is he a bully? Has the threshold for bullying been set low? Could this inquiry set a dangerous precedent?
2nd Cleaner: No one will honestly think that. Well, except maybe a bully.
1st Cleaner: Seriously though, we do need to sort out the channel crossings.
2nd Cleaner: So, last year 45,000 crossed the Channel. Government estimates 56,000 this year. Good luck with that yeah.
Late afternoon, Thursday 20th April
Rishi Sunak [on phone]: ….OK, so that’s the price for white gold diamond encrusted princess-cut. How much for the platinum diamond encrusted princess-cut….?
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Deadly rhymes, here’s the solution, Smoking so bad, I’mma cause a pollution.
Rishi Sunak: Sorry, have to go. [puts phone down] ….I really do wish you would announce your arrival Michael.
Michael Gove: I thought you liked surprises Rishi.
Rishi Sunak: I can’t say I do Michael.
Michael Gove: Are you still reading that report on Raab Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: It’s very long.
Michael Gove: That’s what she said.
Rishi Sunak: Sorry Michael, now’s not a good time. Is there anything in particular….?
Michael Gove: We all know you’re very wealthy, well, maybe not wealthy for an English Tory….
Rishi Sunak: Please get to the point Michael.
Michael Gove: Perhaps it might be wise to try to keep track of your wealth, thus avoiding any future issues?
Rishi Sunak: This is about my failure to declare my wife’s shares in that company isn’t it? It’s the politics of envy laced with sexism.
Michael Gove: Sexism? I’m all for Woking things Rishi, but how exactly is it sexist?
Rishi Sunak: If I was a woman, and Akshata was a man, do you honestly think anyone would be interested in my spouse’s wealth?
Michael Gove: You really are out of touch aren’t you?
Late Evening, Thursday 20th April
Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department [on speaker phone]: ….Plane to Rwanda. Plane to Rwanda. Plane to Rwanda. Plane to Rwanda. Plane to Rwanda….
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: Dominic Raab to see you sir.
Rishi Sunak: Sorry Suella, have to go [puts phone down].
Dominic Raab, Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom: You wanted to see me Rishi?
Rishi Sunak: Yes. Please take a seat.
[Dominic Raab sits down]
Rishi Sunak: I’m sure you know why I want to see you.
Dominic Raab: No idea bossman.
Rishi Sunak: Oh come on Dom.
Dominic Raab: Remember how I introduced you at your campaign leadership launch?
Rishi Sunak: Dom. Bullying is a serious accusation.
Dominic Raab: Define bullying.
Rishi Sunak: “Personal styles, which feel like bullying (or other misconduct) to the individual, but are not intended to be so and where the perpetrator may often be unaware of the impact.”
Dominic Raab: Random words are great Rishi, but define bullying. Did I remind you I introduced you at your campaign leadership launch?
Rishi Sunak: Dom….
Dominic Raab: Did Braverman put you up to this? Did she find out my father was a refugee?
Rishi Sunak: Now you’re sounding paranoid.
Dominic Raab: You’d be paranoid if you had hoards of civil servants baying for your blood.
Rishi Sunak: Hoards? I thought there were only eight complaints?
Dominic Raab: Yes, that’s right. Only that number you said. That number. Bloody activist civil servants.
Rishi Sunak: Stop blaming others for the mess.
Dominic Raab: Great. Now you sound like the Labour Party anytime they talk about our Government.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
‘Prequels’:
The ‘Boris Johnson’s’:
