Rishi Sunak. A Nightmare In Downing Street?
Last week, Richy, sorry, Rishi Sunak, became Emperor of India and the British Empire, sorry, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He is a man so out of touch, he thinks the green stuff on Gavin Williamson’s chips is guacamole.
1st Person: You’re jealous of aspiration.
Me: Yeah well, you, you’re, you put the ‘ass’ into aspiration. So there.
Anyway, Mr Sunak has been PM for nearly a week now, so I bet you’re wondering how things have been going at Downing Street.
Time for some fly on the walling, so you don’t have to…. Fly on the, walling….
Picture goes wavy and…. Actually, I started this adventure outside, so….
Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….
Me: Ay up. Nice weather for another Prime Minister innit.
Fly: I don’t do small talk.
Me: Funnily enough, us flies could be the masters….
Fly: I’m female.
Me: ….us flies could be the masteresses of small talk on account of our size.
Fly: Whatever.
Early Afternoon, Tuesday 25th October
Rishi Sunak: “….We will create a future worthy of the sacrifices so many have made and fill tomorrow, and everyday thereafter with hope. Thank you.”
1st Journalist: If I had a question I would’ve asked, “So what first attracted you to the millionaire Akshata Murty?”
[high-fives Journalist next to them]
2nd Journalist: Mr Sunak once said, “The British people judge people by their character and their actions….
3rd Journalist: Obviously not, we voted for Boris Johnson.
2nd Journalist: Let me finish the quote. “…. not by their bank account”
1st Journalist: The British people might not be judgey, until they find out how rich he actually is. £790 mill.
3rd Journalist: Sheeeeet. That’s some serious Dead Queens.
4th Journalist: Live Kings.
3rd Journalist: No [takes £5 note out of pocket]. Dead Queens.
1st Journalist: Word.
Mid Morning, Wednesday 26th October
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: Grant Shapps to see you Prime Minister.
Grant Shapps, Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: Morning, I mean afternoon, actually, what time is it Mr Prime Minister sir?
Rishi Sunak: You are here for a reason Grant?
Grant Shapps: I have a spreadsheet….
Rishi Sunak: I should think so, you are Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy after all.
Grant Shapps: So, I have a spreadsheet and I have thingyed it to predict how people will react to the reappointment of Suella in my old job, Secretary of State, a job that I was actually starting to get into, before you….
Rishi Sunak: Please get to the point Grant.
Grant Shapps: Sorry, yes. I fed into the computer your Downing Street statement. “This government will have integrity, professionalism and accountability at every level.” The computer predicts that you will be accused of doing a “grubby deal” for offering to give Suella the job back in exchange for her backing in the leadership contest.
Rishi Sunak: Trust me Grant. No one is going to accuse me of that.
Thursday Evening 27th October
Me: ….I told you about the flies round shit thing didn’t I?
Fly: Shush. Guess who’s back….
Me: Rakim, 1997.
Fly: Shush.
[knock at door]
Rishi Sunak: Come in.
[knock at door]
Rishi Sunak: I said, come in!
[phone plays ‘I Am The Law’ by Anthrax]
Rishi Sunak [reading text]: “I’m outside the door.” I said come in Suella!
Suella Braverman, Secretary of State for the Home Department: Hi Rishi, It’s Suella….
Rishi Sunak: I know who you are…
Suella Braverman: People aren’t talking about me the way that people should be talking about me. Ooo. What’s this?
Rishi Sunak: It’s….a….book…. You’re head of the department, you can…
Suella Braverman: It was a mistake! We’ve all made email mistakes. This is pretty. [picks up paper knife] What is it?
Rishi Sunak: Seriously?
Suella Braverman [looking out of window]: Is it true you can see the Tower of London from here? I can spell onomatopoeia.
Rishi Sunak: Suella, I made you Home Secretary. Why don’t you call a press con….
Suella Braverman: Ooo. That sounds like an airplane! Must dash!
[slams door]
Rishi Sunak: Well, that was….
[receives text alert]
Rishi Sunak [reading text]: “I set my alarm clock an hour earlier than I need to, just so I can wind up the Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati for an hour longer each day. I’m having pizza for dinner. Kiss kiss.”
Late Morning, Friday 28th October
Conservative MP [on loudspeaker]: ….So how’s cousin Kamala?
Rishi Sunak: I beg your pardon?
Conservative MP: Kamala Harris. You’re related right?
Rishi Sunak: Not all Indians, or those of Indian descent are related.
Conservative MP: Really? Well, in my defence….
Rishi Sunak: Stop digging.
[puts phone down]
[knock at door]
Downing Street Aide: James Cleverly to see you Prime Minister.
James Cleverly, Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs: Look at this.
Rishi Sunak: What an earth is it?
James Cleverly: Obviously it’s a Kemi Badenoch doll. I got the guys in the M.O.D. to knock it up. Great guys.
Rishi Sunak: Seriously?
James Cleverly: Yeah. Them guys’ll knock up anything if you…
Rishi Sunak: No, I mean seriously? Why get a doll made of her?
James Cleverly: Pull the string, pull the string. You’ll see.
[Rishi Sunak sighs and pulls string]
Doll: Trans rights trans rights trans rights….
Rishi Sunak: This is….
James Cleverly: Wait, it’s not finished.
Doll: ….trans rights, trans rights, trans fucking rights.
James Cleverly: It’s sounds just like her. We all think it’s fucking hilarious.
Rishi Sunak: This is deeply inappropriate James.
James Cleverly: Why? You don’t believe that guff about people in positions of power picking on already marginalised communities do you?
Rishi Sunak: No James. The doll looks nothing like her.
Mid afternoon, Saturday 29th October
[door bursts open]
Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: Who’s the man with the master plan? Who’s the man? Who’s the man?
Rishi Sunak: Michael. What can I do for your bursting through doors self?
Michael Gove: De Pfeffel, I…
Rishi Sunak: De what now?
Michael Gove: Apologies. Force of habit. I wanted to give you an update on Levelling Up.
Rishi Sunak: So, how’s it going?
Michael Gove: Slowly. If ‘slowly’ is defined as not at all. This keeps going missing [waves spirit level].
Rishi Sunak: What on earth is that?
Michael Gove: You truly are out of touch. It’s a spirit level. However the Admin department has come up with a solution. The spirit level is now attached to a piece of string attached to a desk in a locked office.
Rishi Sunak: Obviously not.
Michael Gove: It’ll be fine. [fiddles in pocket] Now where did I put it?
Early Evening, Sunday 30th October
Me: Apparently Mr Sunak isn’t going to Cop27. What a cop out!
Fly: Idiot.
Rishi Sunak [speaking to self]: I am the brown Obama. I, am the brown Obama.
[knock at door]
Rishi Sunak [speaking to self]: I am, the brown Obama. I am the brown, Obama.
Cleaner: Sorry Sir, I thought everyone had left.
Rishi Sunak: I’m just leaving. No need to be so formal. Call me Mr Sunak. You’re new aren’t you?
Cleaner: Yes, started last week.
Rishi Sunak: Where are you from?
Cleaner: Brent.
Rishi Sunak: No, I mean your family. Originally
Cleaner: Nigeria.
Rishi Sunak: A ‘fellow African.’
Cleaner: [mutters “That’s original.”]
Rishi Sunak: Well keep up the good work.
[fixes tie]
Rishi Sunak: Trickle down diversity. Nailed it.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
‘Prequels’:
The ‘Boris Johnson’s’:
Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
