Risk Management gone Astray
Kevin(Boss): Get seated everyone. We are about to begin the session on risk management. I shall be giving a 15 min presentation. Let’s start. Risk management is defined as the process — This stupid link keeps on popping up. Let’s see. Do you want to earn 15 million in 30 days? Who doesn’t! Let’s click on it. No! What happened to my laptop?
Jimmy: That was a virus Kevin. You never click on links with ridiculous descriptions. They are always viruses.
Kevin: Well last week I clicked on ‘Santa Claus ain’t real’ and ‘You can be happy in life’ both of which seemed ridiculous but turned out fine. I’ve only been scammed once before in life. Got an Email. King of India wants to reward you. Send bank details.
Jimmy: How could you fall for that? Besides India is a democracy
Kevin: So I am supposed to remember the political system of 200 countries now! Well we can’t have the ppt now. It just had tons of definitions and descriptions anyway. Boring ppt’s need to be replaced by informative comics I guess. Everything feels worth paying attention to when Garfield is talking about it. How should we conduct the session now?
Jimmy: We can have everyone share their anecdotes about how they faced a grave situation and got over it. That’s pretty much what risk management involves
Kevin: That’s a great idea Jimmy. Justin you can come first.
Justin: I had a guy get into the back seat of my car one time. Pointed the gun at me and asked me for my wallet. I told him to let me go because my wife wouldn’t believe I was mugged and would think I had spent the money on some other woman.
Kevin: What happened then?
Justin: He lowered the gun and said ‘ I feel your pain brother. My lady thinks that I do the mugging for somebody else. No, Elizabeth, these hands steal just for you’. Got out of my car and left.
Kevin: Wow that is a good one. Dwight, you’re up next.
Dwight: Showing indomitable spirit and ridiculing the very risk is what we Schrutes go for. When I was a kid, somebody kidnapped my baby brother. When the kidnapper made the ransom call, I ridiculed him and said there was no way he with his trembling voice and simpleton aura had the guts to lay hands on a Schrute baby. He made me listen to my brother sobbing on the phone to prove his claims. I told him that there was no doubt that he had picked up someone else because Schrute babies never cry. We only cry at 35 when we’re having a mid life crisis. When he came to our house to verify my brother, we had him surrounded. So I guess my philosophy is to make the threat feel insecure. Oh God, maybe I really ain’t worth anything like everybody says.
Kevin: What are the other peculiar habits of Schrute babies?
Dwight: We can go for a week without food or water because we maintain a buffer we like to call ‘Rainy Day Stock’. We have abnormal muscle growth and so have to take a lot of pills to look like simpletons. We are given sensitivity training before everything else because if our potent mind goes the wrong way it would spell great trouble.
Kevin: Good to hear. Janice you’re next
Janice: In my last office on the first day of work, I let a guy standing behind me(in line) have my soda because he said he had missed breakfast. Word spread like wildfire. Janice’s so nice. Janice gives away her soda. She’ll be the new office pushover. I knew I needed to act quickly because this precedent would lead to expectation of appeasement in the future. I started playing dumb and incompetent on purpose in front of the other employees. Word spread again. Janice’s nice. But she’s also kind of a stable genius. She was asking how many quarters are there in a year yesterday. Two or eight? We can’t offload our work on her, she’ll mess it up.
