Runaway pride

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today in the sight of god and in the face of this company, to join together this man, and this woman in holy baloney, which is an honourable estate and is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly. Into this holy estate, these two persons have come together, as they decide to journey together and go on a holiday. If anyone can show just cause why they may not peacefully journey together, let him or her speak now, or forever hold their peace.

A little voice from the far end of the hall speaks thus:

“I object”

The quartermaster is taken aback by this objection, but quickly regains his composure and asks the little voice to come ahead and speak up.

“Why do you object, little one?” asks the quartermaster kindly.

“Now where do I begin? I have 5 reasons why I don’t think they should go on a holiday”

First Objection: Just because ‘Let it go’ is my favourite song, they keep singing it every 90 minutes when we’re out on a holiday, and have completely ruined the song for me.

The woman dressed in what can be best described as an off-white gown clears her throat.

“Ahem. We sing that only because you usually have the urge to go when we’re in the middle of nowhere and when we’d asked you if you wanted to use the restroom just a few minutes prior, you’d say, “Absolutely not. No urge for the next 120 minutes, I’m sure””

The man stuck between the two girls looks tired. The lines on his face are more pronounced as he sighs and says, “And we usually end up going to a café and ordering at least 5 dishes that we didn’t need, because my beloved thinks it’s so crass to enter a café just to use the ladies’. And she believes ordering 5 dishes is an appropriate gesture of gratitude”

Second Objection: I’m almost starved to death when we go on these vacations. The rumbling of my stomach can be heard by the statues on the walls, but not by my kin.

“Hey, young girl — I carry along a bag that’s so big the airlines ask me to check it in. You know what’s in the bag? 8 compartments that have food of different colours, varied flavours, and divergent nutrients, and yet, not one of those appeals to you. Hunger builds character anyway”

The man with great character chips in. “To be fair, she usually only feels hungry when we’re close to a junk food place. I think we’ll all be better off if you didn’t bring your big bag along. I am the one that’s made to carry it anyway”

Third Objection: Their favourite form of holiday is what they call the experience holiday, but all I experience is exhaustion and embarrassment.

“You will thank us when you’re older. Different experiences help you become a well-rounded human being. I got a special data pack just so I could answer every question you had to the best of Google’s knowledge”

The man, egged on by the child’s courage, bravely ventures, “Err..remember when we marvelled at the painting at the gallery? You asked her to admire the deft brush strokes, the clever use of colours, the marvellous imagination of Leonardo, only to realise a good 15 minutes later that you were talking about the wrong painting. Your skills with Google need some brushing up, you know”

Fourth Objection: I am asked to look around and observe things around me, but they ask me to close my eyes every other minute. It’s all very confusing.

The quartermaster, who’s been a silent spectator so far interjects, “To look, or not to look; that is the question”

“Sigh! I only told her not to look when the romantic overtures of the couple sitting next to her in the plane got out of hand. I saved the couple from her “what are you doing?” and gave them some space, that’s all”

“Giving her the facts without giggling would have satisfied her curiosity. Instead, you asked me to squeeze in between them. You gave them space and took away mine”

Fifth Objection: I am dressed like an eskimo even if we’re going to the desert

“You insist on wearing your Frozen costume every single day. What if the world found out your magic powers? What if evil Hans spotted you and chose to hurt you? I always have your best interest at heart”

“The cold never bothered her anyway, so why do you always make her wear 3 layers? It’s always my sweater that is used when hers is dirty. The cold bothers me, you know”

The quartermaster now has serious concerns about the ceremony. However, he bravely chooses to carry on.

<Man>, will you have this woman to be your awfully dreaded travel companion?

He is met with silence.

<Woman>, will you have this man through your journey, for sweater or for purse, in quickness and in stealth, to love and to perish, till death parts you?

He is met with silence again.

You may now kiss your pride goodbye!