The Haven
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The Haven

Russian Oligarchs “Down to Last Yacht” Slam West’s Cancel Culture

Sanctions onslaught forcing billionaires to flee and run the gauntlet of regular airline food

Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

The Brotherhood of Russian Oligarchs (BRO) is accusing western governments of declaring war on its members, many of whom are down to their last luxury yacht and unable to afford even the most basic necessities such as gold toilet seats and linen Kleenex.

“We are being victimized by the West’s cancel culture,” said BRO in a statement. The organization accuses foreign governments of ostracizing oligarchs and confiscating their hard-earned wealth. “We are peace-loving asset-strippers who just want to be left alone to pillage our country,” said BRO.

In a break from tradition, some oligarchs are going public with their harrowing stories. One member of Russia’s elite described how he abandoned his London penthouse “as sanctions rained down upon me.” He fled in the oldest Rolls Royce in his fleet of cars only to find that his private jet had been grounded. “I was forced to take a scheduled flight, and narrowly escaped having to travel in an Economy Plus seat,” said the oligarch with a haunted look in his eyes. After a long, agonizing flight during which he had to eat the food served in business class, the oligarch managed to reach his private island. “I have barely enough caviar to last a month,” he said.

Oligarchs are particularly angry about the treatment of their children and mistresses. Many have shifted billions of dollars in assets to their kids and girlfriends in order to avoid taxes. But western governments are aware of the tactic and are now sanctioning these individuals. “They are going after our women and children, it is barbaric,” said a leading member of BRO.

As sanctions continue to bite, the future is uncertain for many Russian oligarchs. “They may never see their favorite luxury yachts again,” said a BRO spokesperson.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.