Save the Wealthy — Sponsor A Billionaire!

Lauren Salkin
Jul 10, 2017 · 3 min read
Image via Wikipedia — I have no idea who this dude is

After a bad run of luck on Monte Carlo, billionaire Todd Hedrick III needs your contribution to help him get back on his jet again.

For just $200 a week, you can help Todd maintain his lavish lifestyle and recoup the island he lost in a high-stakes poker game.

Todd, like other disenfranchised billionaires, needs a warm island to escape to after a long ski weekend in the Alps. Because of his gambling debts, Todd had to hitch a ride on his best friend’s jet and parachute into his beachfront home in Malibu — an alternate retreat for an islandless billionaire perilously close to the nouveau riche.

Upon landing on the frontlines of Malibu, Todd raced to his safe room in the entertainment duplex in his house. Only martinis and headphones can save him from toxic noise exposure from nearby homes and indigent drivers delivering takeout food.

Billionaires, like Todd, need to be isolated from the vulgar so-called rich and regularly cleanse his body of “regular people germs” should he become compromised.

A healthy billionaire means a healthy economy. Wall Street flourishes when the 1% is well enough to spend money on frivolous enhancements to their bodies and homes.

Your support will help Todd, and other billionaires down on their luck, maintain his distance and extravagant lifestyle without sacrificing opulent decadence.

After surviving a week in Malibu, Todd’s back at work isolated in his penthouse “think space,” getting massages and pedicures behind thumbprint-access security doors, while bodyguards prevent unannounced guests from storming his publicist’s office.

Mingling with the masses at work can compromise the immune system of the uber rich. Delegating tedious day-to-day challenges to his personal assistant prevents accidental contact with underlings. From arranging corporate takeovers for sport, to finding tax loopholes in the Bermuda triangle, his assistant handles the details long after Todd has retired for the day.

Withstanding ulcer flare-ups and panic attacks is how Todd’s assistant gives back to society. The less stress a billionaire endures the more he contributes to his estate and trickle down economics. Money only trickles down to the 99% when a billionaire’s mood and profits are up.

For the sake of economic solvency, the 1% must keep their distance at the top away from the masses. They must relegate tough decisions to their assistants, so they can remain free-range billionaires, out-of-touch and unaffected by “little people” problems, like declining wealth and financial hysteria that plagues lowlife schlubs flattened at the bottom of the money heap.

Your contribution will help billionaires, like Todd, stay isolated from the masses, so they won’t be exposed to problems that affect the ordinary. As long as we continue subsidizing their massive wealth, pay more taxes and work seven-day weeks, billionaires can continue frolicking in their exclusive luxury spas and private country clubs. We carry the economic burden, so the wealthy don’t have to.

Financial inequality is the only sensible solution for economic sustainability, a system in which the top 1% controls society and the wealth within it. How can we depend upon the 99% to dictate economic policy when they’re always tired and broke?

That’s why we’re asking for your support to help Todd, and others like him, stay healthy, wealthy and desensitized to regular people problems.

Your $200 per week contribution also helps pay for . . .

  • Deodorant for sweatshop laborers
  • Dry cleaning housekeeper uniforms
  • Olives for martinis
  • Coat check for high-class hookers
  • Vomit Gucci bags for private jets
  • Shoes shine for just one shoe
  • Bus fare for migrant workers
  • Window shade technicians
  • Suntan lotion masseuses
  • Nose hair pluckers

Contact BillionaireTaskForce.edu for other ways you can help the wealthy.


Disclaimer: Todd Hedrick III is a fictitious person and to the best of my knowledge, only exists in my head.

This post originally appeared on ThinkSpin.com.

Follow Lauren Salkin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thinkspin
Follow the Circus in Lauren’s Head at Think Spin

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Lauren Salkin

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Dysfunctional wife, mother, loser of stuff. Making sense out of chaos. Writer of different genres and moods. #humor #satire #life #politics #writing #culture

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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