Sunday Sermon

Scientists: Why Do You Thank God For Your Food Before You Eat It?

You should be thanking us — we’re the ones who made possible food production on an unimaginably vast scale.

Photo by Rachel Park on Unsplash

Before science, food ran really fast and the only way you were gonna get any was run really fast too and be really good at strangling it with your bare hands or smashing its skull in with rocks.

Then the blow dart was invented.

By one of the first scientists, as it happens. No, this early scientist wasn’t wearing a white lab coat, but he understood the scientific method. He had a hypothesis: “maybe I could shoot a possum with a dart by breathing really hard through a tube.” There was a procedure. “1) Take a bamboo pole. 2) Stick a sharp object in it. 3) Blow hard.”

Results: “I have some nice possum! Let’s eat.”

Thank you, science, for what you have provided.

Then in his conclusion this early scientist went a little too far. “In sum, the possibilities of a projectile weapon seem limitless. I could foresee, for instance, one day strapping a 1×20 mm M61 Vulcan 6-barreled cannon Gatling gun on an aircraft carrier to just blow the shit out of enemies. Or even better…