Satire
Scissorhands Strikes Back
Depp defamation trial assumes sharp new title
Have you Heard?
Declining Hollywood A-lister-who-we-all-hoped-would-age-better, Mr. Johnny Depp, is asking media to refer to the lawsuit against ex-wife Amber Heard as Scissorhands Strikes Back.
Depp’s lawyers have stipulated that the full title, Scissorhands Strikes Back (But not really because Johnny would never strike a woman. Ever. We swear!), should be used to avoid any rumors of confession of guilt.
Hoping to clear his name, overwrite allegations of domestic abuse, and pocket $50 million, Depp has testified, “never did I myself reach the point of striking Ms. Heard in any way, nor have I ever struck any woman in my life.” Citing an early-marriage conflict with Heard, he even pointed fingers back at her; according to Depp, it was she who had been violent. She had thrown a bottle, which, to the disappointment of all Pirates of the Caribbean fans present in court, was reported to contain vodka, not rum.
Depp’s claim was a sharp twist in the narrative. An allegation that could cut deep.
The actor, who we assume is audition-starved outside the courtroom, recreated the scene for the cameras. Depp showed his mangled finger to the court and recalled the dizzying 2015 experience of staring at his bare bone, the tip of his finger sliced off.
A cinematic spin
Depp barely had to lift a finger to draw an analogy between the struggles of a beloved Hollywood underdog and his own real-world predicaments. But in case you can’t quite put your finger on the connection, here’s how the sly genius is pulling on our heartstrings from the witness stand:
Recall the 1990 Tim Burton hit Edward Scissorhands, which launched young Johnny to stardom. Depp portrays a misunderstood outcast, a gentle, kind and artistically talented man wrongly assumed to be dangerous. Scissorhands is unrecognized for his goodness and repeatedly accused of violence. The public focuses on his potential to harm, whereas he rarely instigates violence and only inflicts pain incidentally, mainly in self-defense or an effort to protect. Scissorhands is in love with a girl, and his greatest fear — far be it a desire — is to harm her. (He would never strike a woman!) He even hesitates to embrace her with a hug, lest he leave a scar.
By reminding his fans of this lovable underdog, Depp evokes pity and aligns himself with goodness. He presents himself as distanced and dismissed but certainly not violent—thus incapable of domestic abuse. The added bonus for Depp is that, while Scissorhands also happens to be gifted, his talents go largely unappreciated. Is Depp also winking at Hollywood, suggesting producers should reconsider the troves of talent overlooked as of late?
With this lawsuit, Edward strikes back. He faces the society that has written him off, chases vindication, and lifts a finger — though not the usual one — to the individuals and institutions that have damaged his reputation.
