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The Haven

SCOTUS Shocks Critics With Progressive Agenda for Next Term

Leaked memo reveals Justices are furious at accusations they are behind the times

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

In an attempt to counter fierce criticism that it is out of touch with modern-day America, the Supreme Court of the United States will announce a revised schedule for its next term that includes a number of progressive cases. Details of the new docket were released in a leaked memo, and it is sure to infuriate SCOTUS’s right-wing patrons.

Top of the agenda is a ban on carrying muskets in any government building. SCOTUS believes the measure will quell the furor over its ineffectual response to mass shootings in the US while showing that the court is in tune with public opinion. The ban will only apply to fast-loading muskets introduced in the late 18th century and not earlier flintlock firearms that can take several minutes to load. “Fast-loading muskets have no place in today’s America,” states the leaked memo.

The Justices are also planning to oppose the introduction of public floggings for people who steal loaves of bread and to limit the stoning of adulterers. Some Red States are considering such measures. The memo indicates that the court will only allow floggings in non-public places with attendance restricted to no more than 10 people. Media outlets will not be allowed to cover floggings with the exception of Fox News in the interests of free speech. However, SCOTUS will allow adulterers and heretics to be held in bondage and transported to remote colonies such as Guam and Puerto Rico, a sentence favored by Red States.

Also, SCOTUS intends to delay several long-anticipated hearings to make way for the rearranged docket. For example, rulings pertaining to climate change and water shortages will be pushed back in the queue in favor of sessions to consider a 200-year-old Florida law that allows horse thieves to be hanged and a long-standing law in Minnesota than prohibits the courting of greased pigs. SCOTUS will also review a law that makes it illegal to ride a penny-farthing bicycle on the steps of the Capitol Building on Leap Year Tuesdays.

“This docket will prove once and for all that the Supreme Court of the United States unstintingly serves the will of the American people,” says the memo.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.