
Secret Kavanaugh Tape Released
His rulings on future cases already written
Brett Kavanaugh has assured Americans that he can’t speculate how he would rule on controversial issues such as Roe v. Wade and the Second Amendment. Nor would he need to, it’s written in dozens of articles and papers, not to mention hundreds of thousands of pages the Bush administration released to the public and the Drumpf administration quashed. As a consequence pundits are left speculating about decisions they suspect were written long ago.
The Haven learned today that those suspicions are correct. Kavanaugh has already written his opinion on every case he expects to hear and keeps those opinions locked in a vault. We only learned of them because an anonymous source provided us with the audio file of his interview with the President.
During the discussion, Kavanaugh assures Drumpf that his favorite issues are “a lock.” He briefs Drumpf on his rulings. The briefs are accompanied by cartoon drawings prepared for by the White House staff so he can think he understands.[1]
Kavanaugh: Don’t worry. I covered your bucket list, sir.
Drumpf: Abortion?
Kavanaugh: I’ve already written my unwriting of Roe.
Drumpf: You mean, like, judges can actually erase the words?
Kavanaugh: Exactly. The Supreme Court has a magic eraser to rub out noxious rulings. Like they were never there. Sometime during your second term there will be new babies filling diapers across the country.
“The Supreme Court has a magic eraser to rub out noxious rulings. Like they were never there. Sometime during your second term there will be new babies filling diapers across the country.”
Drumpf: Good. I told my broker to invest in Pampers.

Kavanaugh: You realize there will be more Mexican babies?
Drumpf: Who gives a shit about them? I want white babies. As far as I’m concerned Mexican sluts can take the coyote train back to Mexico and abort them there. And the Second Amendment?
Kavanaugh: Sir, the NRA pays my bills. When I’m finished, hunters will be able to challenge the fiercest deer with fully automatic weapons.
Drumpf: Bump stocks too?
Kavanaugh: For their tenth birthdays.
The sound file is garbled as Drumpf gobbles down a bag full of Big Macs.
Drumpf: I only weigh 200 pounds, you know?
Kavanaugh: I can tell, sir. You’re very svelte.
Drumpf: I’m no fag.
Kavanaugh: Slender, sir. It means slender.
Restoring the original Constitution, as founders intended
Drumpf: And this will all be a strict, legal reading of the Constitution. No liberal policy shit?
Kavanaugh: When I’m finished we’ll restore the Constitution to the days when only white land owners could vote.
Drumpf: Real estate guys like me.
Kavanaugh: Exclusively. And to that end, I’ve already written a decision restoring the Two-Thirds rule, as intended by the founders.
Drumpf: There’s math in the Constitution? Who knew? Oh, look, you drew two cards to explain this one.
“When I’m finished we’ll restore the Constitution to the days when only white land owners could vote.”
“Real estate guys like me.”
“Exclusively.”
Slaves were freed, but not made one hundred percent people
Kavanaugh: See, according to a strict literal interpretation of the Constitution, the word “slaves” referred to Black People. They were synonymous when the Constitution was written.
Drumpf: Can you believe they’re dumb enough to think I’m trying to help them? What suckers. Did you know my approval rating with the j*** ****ies is 97 percent? No wonder I’m rich and they’re stuck in their Chicago mud huts dodging gang bullets.
Kavanaugh: Exactly. You see the Constitution recognized that blacks were deficient. So they only counted them as two-thirds a person. But when the 13th Amendment freed the slaves, it didn’t grant them full person status. They still count as only two-thirds, Constitutionally. So when the civil rights do-gooders try to shove another law suit down our throats, they’ll regret they ever let the freed slaves share the bus.
Drumpf: There’s a slave bus? Oh. Right. Prison bus.
Kavanaugh: Yes sir. So my decision will work like this. When a slave descendent applies for a job, employers will be legally required to reduce their qualifications by 33 percent.
”The Constitution recognized that blacks were deficient. So they only counted them as two-thirds a person. But when the 13th Amendment freed the slaves, it didn’t grant them full person status. They still count as only two-thirds, Constitutionally.”
Drumpf: I thought you said two thirds?
Kavanaugh: (to someone off mike) Where’s the fractions cartoon?
Silence.
Drumpf: Oh, so 33 percent is the same thing as two-thirds?
Kavanaugh: Sure, sir. I’m astonished by your intellect. Anyway, if you have a white candidate with a score of 69…
Drumpf: A D+. I got lots of those in school.
Kavanaugh: Right. And a black candidate with a score of 97, you subtract 33 percent and reduce their score to 65. The white candidate becomes more qualified. No discrimination.
Drumpf: You’re saying I’m only two points smarter than a…
This is all of the sound file we were allowed to hear. Our source assures us he had more, but expected The Haven to pay him one million to cover his alimony payments. We thought the we had enough material to publish this story, so we declined. Our anonymous source left, frustrated, but convinced he outsmarted his lying, cheapskate father who wouldn’t make him King of New York.
[1] Much the way five-year-olds understand that birds and bees somehow help put babies in mommy’s tummy.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.




