Security and Justice for All
With the latest revelations of corruption, criminality and boorish behavior rising to point a giant finger of accusation at the White House, Drumpf once again diverted the attention of the nation by merging every defense and law enforcement agency into a single cabinet position. The new Department of Defense, Justice and Security (DODJS) will “protect the interests of those Americans who Americans value most, — mainly me and my offensive line — so we can protect the Americans who value us most.”
Current department directors will continue to head their “divisions” but will now answer to the new General of the National Defense (whom Drumpf also referred to as “Mini-CinC”), Rudy Guilliani. “Nobody’s had my back like Rudy, which means nobody’s had America’s back like Rudy because me and America are one. And you are one with me and we are one and we are all together. Cough Cough Covfefe.”
“Nobody’s had my back like Rudy, which means nobody’s had America’s back like Rudy because me and America are one. And you are one with me and we are one and we are all together. Cough Cough Covfefe.”
Drumpf spoke during his third press conference of the morning, which he scheduled after a press conference with the Australian Prime Minister, which he scheduled when no one took him seriously during his first press conference with the Australian Prime Minister. He is currently under fire for trying to coerce the Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky into opening an investigation into Presidential candidate Joe Biden (who most Americans, even die-hard Republicans, believe will whip Drumpf like a bowl of whipping cream in the 2020 elections).
Accusing the accuser
“It’s a total fabrication by a total partisan, whose identity is unknown, which is why we know he’s partisan because the Democrats won’t unanonymize him, and besides I did nothing wrong, as everyone knows because I’m incapable of dishonesty except when I need it to cover my ass, and, on top of that, the main function of the new Department of DJS, but I call it the Department of MAGA because it’s making the Cabinet great again which is making America Great Again, which means me because I’m the greatest, not that big-mouth boxer, you know who I mean, whose Olympic medal and World Championships were fake news by the way, he never won an honest fight in his life, even the Thrilla in Manilla where he supposedly took down Elvis, the real King, at least the man who would be me, and he would’ve been if it wasn’t for me, but the mini-King died of despair because he knew I would be the greatest singer in the history of singers. And boxers. And military strategists, and word creators. Not to mention President, which I am right now, the greatest President in the history of Presidents.”
Drumpf spoke during his third press conference of the morning, which he scheduled after a press conference with the Australian Prime Minister, which he scheduled when no one took him seriously during his first press conference with the Australian Prime Minister.
Six hours later, after Drumpf had finally run out of methane gas and compost to dispense, Guilliani came to the mike. “Look, America has two enemies. Democrats and immigrants. We couldn’t build a wall on the border and a wall to withstand witch hunts when the people most capable of burying the facts and sweeping the truth under the rug are scattered across the Capitol. Who’s going to protect a poor defenseless wealthy white Supreme Court Justice when a dozen women conspire to call him a rapist? How can we expect our god-given, Christlike President to accomplish any of his important promises if he comes under fire every time he sells a secret to Russia, or breaks a little financial law like tax fraud that no one cares about?”
“There haven’t been a dozen accusations against Kavanaugh,” interrupted a FOX reporter.
“Not yet,” Guilliani confirmed.
In addition, the White House staff confirmed that the new DODJS will make their headquarters in the Drumpf Hotel with accomodations for “specially invited visitors.” Renovations will include multiple sub levels with barred cells and restraints for “undisclosed visitor entertainment and relaxation,” as well as a private airfield with routine flights to countries that use enhanced interrogation “as a courtesy to our invited domestic guests.”
The White House staff confirmed that the new DODJS building will double as “a Drumpf Hotel for specially invited visitors, and will include multiple sub levels with barred cells and restraints for “undisclosed visitor entertainment and relaxation,”
Drumpf told reporters, “When my new Department of MAGA gets up and running, and Americans have the opportunity to elect a new Attorney General of New York and fill all the open seats vacated by Democrats without explanation, then Americans will finally be able to trust their government again because they will never learn about ongoing corruption.”
He closed by showing the new wanted poster for Joe Biden issued by the Ukrainian government. “We’ve arranged for Joe to make a special visit to our allies, which is fortunate for the Ukrainians because they really need our foreign aid, and when it’s all over and the new Department has thoroughly investigated Sanders, Pochahontas, Beto, and the other members of the Democratic Mafica and locked them up, then we can all sleep more soundly at night. Especially me.”