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The Haven

Senator Hawley Tipped to Win Insurrection Sprint Gold Medal at 2024 Olympics

The lawmaker could smash his own world record at new track event

Senator Josh Hawley training for the Olympics?

The World Olympic Committee is planning to introduce a new track event at the 2024 Olympic Games in Paris, France: The Josh Hawley Fleeing The Insurrection 50 m Sprint. The new event is named after Senator Josh Hawley in the US, who broke the world speed record in January 2021 for running away from an insurrection.

At the event, instead of leaping out of their blocks at the sound of a starting pistol, runners will spring into action when a violent mob armed with cudgels, flag poles, and guns, is released onto the track. Special medals depicting a clenched-fist salute along with signed copies of Senator Hawley’s new book Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need will be awarded to the winners of the inaugural race.

If Senator Hawley represents America in the 2024 Insurrection Sprint he could lift the gold medal, but it is uncertain whether or not he will compete. Insiders say that much depends on how much time he can spend on training for the 2024 Olympic Games. The US Presidential election will take place that year, and another insurrection in the US might provide the lawmaker with an opportunity to train for the Olympic dash. Another option is that Senator Hawley will visit Sri Lanka where there are currently protester uprisings he can run away from and perhaps shave a few seconds off his world record in preparation for Paris.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.