When did this happen, the vainglory of the public birthday?
“I’m going to be the big 40”, the headline of your social media life screams as if it were heading towards an iceberg. Watch out face, here comes the wrinkles and age spots, no one claims as they step into the lifeboats.
When a four year old holds up 5 fingers and says, “I am FOURS” we laugh and humor the little darling and politely correct her. When an adult holds up a hundred fingers and says, “Look, I’m 39.” We think Lord, girl, get a grip. That 39 joke is older than all the people on the planet.
Men don’t do this as much as women. Does this mean they don’t need the external validation? They’re fine with no one acknowledging it? They’re not obsessed with how they look? Are men into more interesting things, like barbecuing or mansplaining?
SIDEBAR: The M word has got maybe 16 months left before we find a new word and beat it to death on its way to the glue factory.
If your headline screamed, “It’s been a year since I cured cancer” I would be more prone to congratulate you on that singular accomplishment. But you turned 45? So? And your cake! OMG thank God you posted that picture of a cake because I had no idea birthdays come with a CAKE! And crazy pictures of your friends wearing hate. I mean hats.
“Facebook has sucked the life out of birthdays,” said Inga Treitler, an anthropologist in Knoxville, Tenn. “I don’t want disingenuous wishes, and I’m desperately clutching to the idea that people really mean what they say. A Facebook birthday is not personal, but even worse is that it becomes competitive. If you’re the wisher, you want to get credit, and if you’re the receiver, you get to gloat about your tons of friends. It’s all ego-stoking.”
My favorite pastime is watching people brag about how old they are. They EXPECT an, “But you don’t look it” or, “You look great FOR YOUR AGE. And if no one says it, well, pack it in 63-year-old. And FYI, you look your age unless you’re fours.
“Indeed, the thank-yous after a Facebook birthday often reflect a Sally-Field-at-the-Oscars theme. “I felt surprisingly warm and fuzzy, even though I knew how little thought the message required,” said Jordan Lyon, a clinical psychologist in Seattle. “Then I started questioning: What does it mean if I don’t do it myself?”
“Her husband has taken a different tack. “I’ve stopped wishing anyone a happy birthday on Facebook or attending to the birthday alerts,” said Aaron Lyon, a senior fellow at the University of Washington in Seattle. “I’ve returned to my old method of simply keeping track and doing something more intimate to let people know I care. You know, like a text message.”
Why is a birthday so important? Because you were born? So were 7.4 billion other people and I don’t see you congratulating them. If you want, start with China. You should be done never. Ditto India.
Also annoying is the Google Doodle, Say happy birthday to Mary Queen of Scots, who would have turned 431 this year. If she had been Mary Queen of Scotch that is more noteworthy.
As algorithms go, Facebook and the entire web has stashed away that birthday detail for the rest of your life. For job hunting, dating. Or identity theft.
See you on your next 39th birthday!
