Sessions Tries Marijuana for First Time, Admits Not Sure What He Was Smoking When Trying to Continue Weed Crusade

After a closed door meeting with the Congressional Cannabis Caucus, Attorney General Jeff Sessions emerged from a hot boxed, smoke-filled room in the Capital with a change of heart.

“You know, honestly I haven’t the foggiest idea what in tarnation I was thinking when I said Marijuana was only slightly less awful than heroin,” a grinning, slightly glassy-eyed Sessions told a throng of reporters in the West Wing’s James S. Brady room, before letting out muffled giggle, adding “That’s some grade A malarkey, right?”

Throughout the press conference, a slightly rambling Sessions walked back numerous statements he’d previously made about the so-called dangers of marijuana. At one point, he attempted to cite public opinion on legalization before seemingly losing track of what he was talking about,

“I mean like, it’s 57 or some percent of people in some new poll favor of legalizing it, and hell, it polled better than Clinton and…what’s his name…my boss… I don’t recall his name. Hey, anyone got some Cheetos?”

Many reporters in attendance noticed a more affable demeanor in Sessions, a stark contrast with his usual 1950’s hypermasculine,​ Reefer Madness, father-knows-best-vibe he normally gave off. An unnamed Fox affiliate reporter in attendance went so far as to describe this press conference as

“Pretty chill considering it was Jeff.”

Sessions further shocked those in attendance when he announced that he was dropping all plans to go after state-level medical-marijuana protections, a complete turnaround from a previous position revealed in a now public letter to congressional leaders. When asked if he could expand on his newfound views, Sessions declared

“I now embrace the idea that America will be a better place if marijuana is sold in every corner store,” perhaps referencing another eyebrow raising speech he made in April before toking up for the first time.

Sessions also apologized for ignoring recent studies suggesting marijuana, especially medical, could help ease the suffering of some people and even potentially combat opioid abuse,

“You know, I knew nothing besides what I’ve read in the papers given to me by all my conservative friends and other people who, that I can recall, have never smoked up. Honestly, I don’t know what I was smoking to have just believed in all that without looking into the details of all this.”

Sessions also heaped praise on the bipartisan Congressional Cannabis Caucus members, Reps. Earl Blumenauer, Dana Rohrabacher, Don Young and Jared Polis, saying they sat him down and hashed out many of his worries and former biases.

When asked by a reporter from Vice why for so long he seemed intent on starting another wave of the “War on Drugs,” specifically looking to crackdown on marijuana, the jovial Sessions paused for an abnormally long moment. At first some thought he forgot the question, but he ended up replying with a sincere, heartfelt monologue,

“Well, I mean, I grew up in an especially conservative household growing up, and…there were always a lot of things I wanted to try; like dancing, reading comic books, or smoking blunts. But… nobody in school or any of my friends ever even asked if I ever wanted to, probably cause they thought I had a stick up my ass. I’ve always wanted to try grass, but, I guess growing up, I was never given an opportunity. So, I lashed out. All this time I’ve been lashing out because I really just wanted to try it, but didn’t know how to ask. So I can’t thank the Representatives of the Congressional Cannabis Caucus enough for just… taking me aside and offering to burn a fatty with me to help us figure all this shit out.”

After a small tear gently rolled down the ever so slightly blushing cheek of Jeff Sessions, he paused again before closing the press conference on an inadvertently light-hearted note,

“Y’all, I’ve been rambling on for a while now. What am I talking about again? I think I might be stoned. We should probably end it here.”


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