A Thousand Years In Retail.
She should have called in sick
“My wife is significantly fatter than I thought, and she didn’t appreciate me buying her clothes that wouldn’t have fit 15 years ago.”
And so began the most honest and oversharing return in the history of Walmart.
What possible response could he have been hoping the staff would have to that?
“Let herself go, did she?”
In defence of the customer returning said clothing. He wasn’t being mean; he was just talking in a matter-of-fact way.
Then he added, “We all are.” He didn’t add this in a way to redeem himself for calling someone fat, just because he presumably was once thinner. Then he looked at the person at the customer service desk and asked, “Have you?” The man couldn’t have missed the fact that the employee was about 18 or maybe 20. But he asked anyway. There was a brief, awkward pause.
“Yeah.”
But only because fifteen years ago she was five.
“See we all are” He seemed to be spurred on by her answer. I assume this was because someone had said he was right about something. It couldn’t have been because he listened to the confused, scared squeak of an answer and thought, “Ha, a kindred spirit, I am onto a winner. I will keep going.”
And he kept going. “If I’d given her something too big, what do you think she’d say then?”
I could see it there and then, and she knew she had nowhere to hide from this. “I should have called in sick” flashed across her face as clear as day.
“She’d have been pissed at that too.” He responded to himself following another brief awkward pause. It didn’t seem brief to the customer service clerk, but it did seem awkward.
If I were a better person, I would have spoken up. If I were a better person, I would have interjected, “You’re right, boy, I couldn’t even get into my old clothes if I wanted to. But would I want to, all that stone-washed denim and day-glo? I’d have patted my belly with both hands and shook it like Santa Claus. “Them women, they’re never happy.” We’d have reminisced about having more hair, being thinner, how today’s music is not as good as when we were young, and how the internet has ruined everything.
If I were a better person, but I am not a better person. I lapped this up like a mouse discovering a still-warm chicken nugget that’s rolled under an armchair. I revelled in it. I never wanted it to end.
What I thought in the moment — and what I should have said is that “I am at least two hundred pounds heavier than when I was five, and none of the clothes I owned then would fit me now. I, for one, am happy with my shape and refuse to be held to such a ridiculous standard. It’s not natural to expect the body to stop changing at the age of five. I feel you’re out of touch with reality.”
What stopped me was the thought of the poor young women in the break room later.
“I had this weirdo talking about his fat wife, then this other weirdo joined in talking about children stopping growing at the age of five, I can’t take it any longer.” I’m pretty sure she’d have quit later that day.
If this was the point he had stopped and they processed the return. I wouldn’t be writing this. That would just be one of the more normal returns.
“Do you like this material?” He didn’t wait for an answer. It’s just as well. “I got it because she sweats a lot.”
She hadn’t started the return yet. Knocked off her game by the opening salvo. She knew she was up against it, and he went in for the kill.
“I got a dark colour so it wouldn’t show.”
She knew she was beat, she paged for a manager.
When the manager arrived, we went through this whole wonderful and bizarre dance once again. The manager was a pro and was having none of it. Quickly processing the return and asking for the card he paid with to refund him.
Then they looked at me, and I was done. I was going to the washroom, just past customer service, when I overheard his wife comment and thought, “I have to watch this.” I stood in line so I could hear how this played out. I hadn’t left, so I was just standing there, looking like an idiot.
Somehow, out of me and him, I suddenly looked like the oddball.
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