Showing the doctor my privates

And getting value from the cleaner

I like to get my money’s worth when I go to see the doctor, so I wait until there’s at least three things wrong with me before I make an appointment. If, for example, I wake up one morning and my leg has turned purple and is hanging off, I won’t go to the doctor until I also have a cold and a touch of chlamydia. Get good value, I say.

“I’ve a headache, now I need an STI and the flu” (pexels)

It’s the same when the cleaner is coming to my house on a Tuesday. Before she arrives, I throw clothes all over the floor, hide the disinfectant for her to find and loosen the screws on the sweeping brush. At Christmas, if she wants a tip, first, she has to climb over the ten-foot-high pile of rubbish I put blocking the front door. I don’t care if she’s eighty-five, make it inside and there’ll be a fresh one-euro coin waiting for her on the kitchen table.

So, delighted to finally be armed with my checklist of three illnesses last week, I made my way to the doctor. One of the things to discuss with her was the lump I’d found on my nether regions which I wasn’t delighted about having to discuss. Saying “Vagina” doesn’t come easy to me, I prefer “minge” or even “snatch” but I’m not sure that “Check out my lumpy minge,” would roll with the doctor.

After telling her what I’d found, she asked me to strip off beneath the waist, which I did. Then, as requested, I put one leg up onto a chair and stood there like a half-naked pirate at the helm of his ship in a t-shirt and odd socks.

“Check out my privates, matey” (pexels)

Then, upon her demand, I coughed as she felt around inside my privates looking for the lump. When she told me that she couldn’t find anything, I didn’t feel relief, only embarrassment that she’d just fingered me for no reason. In this instance, not finding a lump was worse than finding it, it was like I’d made it up for a not-so-cheap thrill. I wanted to assure her that I hadn’t enjoyed a second of having her feel around my minge. Instead, I moved on to my next ailments and thought about how I could get spinach stuck in my teeth before my dental appointment next week.