Signing Ceremony Trumpets Tax Bill Benefits
President promises every American will benefit from what he saves
December 23, 2017
Before flying to Mara Lago to spend millions at the taxpayers’ expense, millions he says will be easy to raise after a trillion dollar tax cut, the President gave himself a send-off party on national television. The party celebrated the passage of the new tax bill, which the GOP claims will give back millions to everyday American millionaires.
Surrounded by Christmas elves, reindeer, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Santa Claus and Mike Pence (whose face was cropped from every camera shot). the President fondled the bill, a four-hundred page, fifty pound package displayed in a blue box. “This is the bill, right here,” he told Americans. “The Trump Tax Plan cause that’s what it is. You wouldn’t have it without my hard work and effort since the Republicans in Congress have proved they can’t pass gas, much less a new law.” He thumbed the corners of the pages. “I don’t have to read it because I hire people for that. But it’s a good read, better than a trashy novel or the fake news.”
The President opened the ceremony by announcing: “On February 1, when you open your paycheck and see that extra ten or fifteen dollars, you’ll feel the love for Republicans, and you should feel that love because we stayed up late, some nights working past five in the afternoon, to get that extra ten or fifteen, or maybe only three or four if you’re poor, but you’ll feel the love because you’ll know we didn’t do this for that million dollar tax bonus corporate executives will receive too. We did it for you. Middle class people, poor people who know the truth because they get it from FOX News, people who understand just how rich that extra dollar or two per paycheck will make you.”
According to the President Americans can spend the extra money in their paychecks on a movie ticket, “you know, one of those afternoon shows, which means no one will be there to laugh at you for going alone, but one ticket’s better than what you have now.” Or they can buy “a couple of Big Macs and fries. Even a shakes to go with ’em. If they’re small shakes. The little ones about the size of an orange juice.”
Americans can spend the extra money in their paychecks on a movie ticket, or “a couple of Big Macs and fries. Even a shakes to go with ’em. If they’re small shakes. The little ones about the size of an orange juice.”
President paints big picture
The President moved to the big picture within minutes, promising Americans that “four trillion dollars will come back to our shores. Red, white and blue American shores to line the pockets of corporate executives who will invest in factories overseas and hire workers, millions of workers, American workers who are willing to move overseas and find housing at their own expense and work for a dollar an hour, but millions of American workers immigrating to China and Mexico to work in American factories to make American products.”
Four trillion dollars will return to American shores to line the pockets of corporate executives who will invest in factories overseas and hire millions of American workers provided they’re willing to move overseas, find housing at their own expense, and work for a dollar an hour.
The President promised that the money would improve more than the corporate bottom line. “Small businesses are already hiring employees, thousands of small business employees who will have secure jobs until next week when Christmas sales go away. I mean, you know, good secure jobs still depend on whether you buy from small businesses like Walmart, and Target. But after Christmas, people aren’t so generous with businesses, like they think they only have so much money to spend and have to stop after Christmas. Which is ridiculous. They can always borrow more, or just draw finds from their offshore accounts.”
Small businesses are already hiring employees, thousands of small business employees who will have secure jobs until next week when Christmas sales go away.
When discussing the efforts of the Congress, who The President claims worked hard to pass the bill, except for Democrats. The President told Americans the country wouldn’t exist were the Democrats in charge.
“Democrats want to raise taxes, always raise taxes. On wasteful things like public schools, forcing your kids to mingle with the worst criminal element, the teacher’s union. They hate America and they hate your kids which is why they’re failing, your kids I mean, not the teachers. They’re succeeding in failing your good American kids with their white shirts and especially young, precious women, with freshly pressed skirts, you just want to touch those skirts, brush your fingers against them because those girls are so precious. They want to waste our tax dollars on health care for children, tiny little precious children, whose parents are too lazy to pay for health care, probably parents whose parents were immigrants and can’t even speak English, but they expect you to pay for their kid’s health care. Or waste our tax dollars on cash reimbursements to lazy senior citizens who got tired of work and quit and expect you to pay them with your tax dollars.”
Democrats want to waste our tax dollars on health care for children whose parents are too lazy to buy their own, and on cash reimbursements to lazy senior citizens who got tired of work and expect us to pay them with our tax dollars.
President shows he’s in touch with taxpayers
To cap the celebration, the President showed Americans how he would spend his “small, and insignificant refund.” Santa pulled his sleigh in front of the desk. Twelve elves struggled to lift a gift box. The President drummed his fingers on his desk, and browsed his Twitter account while Pence unwrapped the bow.
The opened box revealed Trump Moscow, his newest hotel project. “I couldn’t build this baby without the help of Congress,” he informed viewers. “And you. Especially since this Russian witch hunt derailed the plans I already had in place with minor government officials and entrepreneurs who were not Vladimir Putin.”
The President explained that he would plow the benefits he received from his new hotel back into the economy. “I will personally hire DACA immigrants, Mexicans and Moslems, the children of murderers and rapists, but I will hire them to clean rooms and toilets, work in the kitchen… not in the dining room of course, don’t want them mingling with real Americans and stealing their wallets and jewelry, but in the back. They’ll have to take a pay cut. The hotel won’t be union or pay minimum wage, but they’ll lose their salaries anyway when I ship them back to Mexico and Moslemia, you know, those countries that hate us.”
The President promised to personally hire DACA immigrants to clean rooms and toilets, work in the kitchen, but not in the dining room because we “don’t want them mingling with real Americans and stealing their wallets and jewelry.”
He opened the lobby of the model and directed cameras to zoom into a miniature portrait that featured him, Melania and Putin in sable coats and hats. “This is a luxury hotel you can book with your tax refund. At four thousand a night, some of you might have to pitch in and share a room with your family, or take out a loan you can pay back over thirty years with your tax refund. Or you can do like me and not pay back the loan. Just declare bankruptcy and pay a judge to reduce your penalties. The four thousand won’t cover your air fare, or food, or drinks, or incidentals. Or legal fees. But you won’t regret the stay, and every dollar you spend at Trump Moscow helps spread the cause of democracy, which America isn’t, as you know, it’s a Republic. But it’s your Republic, for which you stand, but you won’t have to pay for because we’re cutting your taxes.”
When the President finished his improvisational riff of his signed statement, White House staff members woke reporters from their slumber, and he signed the bill with a felt tip marker, which makes his signature bolder for the cameras. He offered to give signing pens to everyone in the room, but no one took him up on the offer. “It’s probably for the best,” confided a member of the President’s staff. “The White House would have sent a bill for a couple of hundred dollars to anyone who took a pen. And they don’t want to tangle with the goons he brought in from New York to collect.”
The President concluded the ceremony by promoting the bill as “a great Christmas present, which fits in a box, a great box, a gift wrapped box you can buy, gift wrapped, with my signing pen, a pen I personally touched, for only $299.99, which any American can afford if you save your refunds for a couple of years.”
The gift wrapped bill is available at whitehouse.gov/tax bill.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
