Signs Your Garden Gnome Terrorizes the Neighborhood at Night
Published in
2 min readMay 7, 2023
- Several of your neighbors have died under mysterious circumstances. This is obviously the first sign.
- The neighborhood dogs have stopped peeing and pooping in your yard, which is disappointing since you really liked to watch them do that.
- There are mysterious holes in your yard. They somewhat resemble mole holes, but you don’t think that’s what they are since tiny wooden crosses are sticking out of them.
- If you are the first to blink in a staring contest with your garden gnome, this does not automatically disprove your suspicions. He is just using his gnomic mind powers against you.
- The small shovel the garden gnome rests both his hands upon is stained. Not with blood, though — it appears to be motor oil. That might help explain the mystery of who cut Old Man Ferguson’s brakes.
- You hear scampering footsteps outside your window at night. It could be anything, but that pipsqueak voice saying, “Warriors, come out to play,” narrows the possibilities down some.
- A pack of quirky kids ride their bikes around at night, solving mysteries and learning life lessons. They happen to spend a lot of time parked in front of your fence, which made it a little awkward that time you forgot to close the bathroom curtain. Thankfully, they didn’t see much because they were too busy looking at another bearded small thing.
- You find a little hat left behind in your washing machine. When you step outside to check your garden gnome, he has a replacement hat on his head. It is a fashionable beanie made from locally sourced wool. (He neglected to take off the price sticker.) So not only is your garden gnome a brutal killer, he is also a bougie hipster. The pack of American Spirits leaning against the toadstool beside him is only further confirmation.
- You wake up to a heavy weight pressing down on your chest. “Huh?” you ask. You receive a meow in reply. Relieved, you reach out to pet Miss Meatball before remembering she passed away six months ago. (The gnome did not kill her, but he did fail to provide adequate CPR.) However, he does not fail to provide a butcher knife straight into your chest. He even has a Freddy Krueger-style one-liner: “Kitsch this!”
