Six easy ways you can make a million dollars writing articles on Medium
(Assuming you already have a million dollars)
I’m a writer on Medium, and from the goodness of my prolific heart, I’m giving you 6 totally original and absolutely not recycled tips on how to write on Medium to become an ultra-successful boss from the comfort of your own bean bag. If you follow these steps I promise you will acquire 1 million reads for your profound article on “5 easy ways to price gouge protein powder during Coronavirus using bitcoin” or whatever it is you choose to write about.
1. Write articles about how to write articles
Writers love to read about writing, and so writing about writing is the perfect bait to get writers to read your writing. Just copy and paste a list off of WikiHow with generic advice like “Just Write!” and “Don’t give up!” and the Medium community will eat it up. My mate, ‘summer sales’ Traydon, has made a cool $200,000 writing on Medium, exclusively writing articles on how to write articles. I don’t even think he has enough of a personality to write about anything else… but he has a pool sized hot tub, so it’s fine.
2. Be a comment troll
Have you ever scrolled through the comments of a climate change article and came across some 14 year old fascist boy’s incoherent rant that is so infuriating you have to go to his profile and read all of his articles so you can feel righteously enraged? Be that kid. Track down the most uplifting, progressive articles you can find and comment a full 180 degrees from what your moral compass tells you is a decent thing to say. Plaster feminist publications with Jordan Peterson quotes. Compare everyone and everything remotely liberal to Stalin. Essentially; tick off the average Medium reader so they read your articles out of anger. Everyone will hate you, but their hate will be making you money.
3. Write about Coronavirus
It does not matter that you have absolutely zero medical experience, your research consists of a brief scan of headlines, and you have nothing new to add to the discussion; your voice is needed! Not because anyone really needs to hear your take on things, but because you need to make money and Coronavirus is the crown of clickbait right now. Share a bunch of random graphs. Suburban dads love to look at graphs whilst mumbling impressive insights like, “ah, the Dow Jones Industrial Average.” If middle aged white guys are your target demographic (as so often they are), make the Coronavirus be strictly about the economy. They don’t want to read about how their parents are at risk of dying of Covid-19, they want to read about how their Tesla stocks are going to plummet if we don’t expose their parents to Covid-19. Apathy is key.
4. Write articles about how to make money writing articles
The one thing writers love to read more than articles about writing articles, is articles about how to make money writing articles, which essentially are identical to articles about writing articles, except the fact that their titles include the word money in them. Also, make insane promises in said articles that you have no intention of keeping, like promising you’ll give every reader a free sticker or something if they give you 50 claps each.
5. Lather on the Public Domain photos
When writing articles about how to make money writing articles, find a solid stock photo of some woman in a pant suit holding a stack of Benjamins for the cover picture. Other excellent public domain imagery include pictures of businessmen on mountain summits and blonde girls running their hands through fields of wheat. The more generic, the better.
6. Use a million dollar loan from your daddy to make 200,000 fake accounts follow you.
Take a page out of the 2016 presidential election and invest in a Russian bot program. I found an excellent chuvak based out of Volgograd who works pro bono, just for the exposure. I only had to pay the yearly subscriptions and mail him a Will & Grace box-set. If you don’t have a million dollar loan from your daddy, I don’t know what to tell you… looks like you just don’t have what it takes to independently build a business empire from the ground up. The American dream is not for you. But hey! Look! It’s a blonde girl in a field of wheat.
With these five simple steps, you can, like me, make a million dollars writing articles from the comfort of your own ball pool. Now go out and write replicas of this exact article until we make Medium entirely a database of articles about how to make money writing articles on Medium.
