Six Murder Plotlines That All Start With You Entering the Restaurant Ten Minutes Before Close

You Really Think Your 15% Tip Will Save You?

A crew member cleaning up before you decided to walk in, rendering his work useless. (Photo by Zhanjiang Chen on Unsplash.)

So you’ve decided to either blatantly ignore the restaurant’s hours OR you’ve deemed the vanishing window of opportunity as an open invitation to request full-service dining. You thought you’d make it out alive?

Here are the six ways you might, although this is really inevitable, be murdered:

1. Right off the bat, the server guides you to your table, which is now inexplicably in the alley behind the restaurant. From the kitchen phone, the server calmly tells his uncle in the Mafia that he’ll be late for Grandma’s dinner because a schmuck just showed up right before close and has already asked for extra bread. The Mafia wastes no time, your body is never found.
2. When you ask for a bottle of red, even after the restaurant has locked its doors, the waitress brings you a Bordeaux Cabernet that is obviously spiked with poison. Once your head slumps over your half-eaten risotto, the waitress climbs onto the table and performs a solo rendition of the Cell Block Tango.
3. When you excuse yourself to the restroom, which has already been cleaned for the night because no one was expecting an inconsiderate motherf***** like you, the shift manager exacts her revenge. She locks you in from the outside, then turns on all the appliances in the restaurant until the shoddy plumbing explodes. You gasp for air as long as possible, but it’s a tiny single bathroom without windows, so you drown rather quickly. She’ll already have to mop again, so what’s the extra trouble of cleaning up your lifeless, blue body?
4. It was awfully bold of you to send the food back to the kitchen because there wasn’t “enough salt.” There is a salt shaker on the table, idiot! Despite knowing your high sodium intake would eventually kill you on its own, the chef came all the way from the kitchen to personally deliver two bullets into your head.
5. Dessert? We closed an HOUR ago! Yet with an always accommodating attitude, the waiter offers to show you the selection of fine gelatos in the freezer, so you can try as many flavors as you please. Now in the freezer, you imagine the server is just going to lock you in there to die, right? Please, that’s too easy. The server has some anger to get off his chest! He grabs the stainless steel ice cream scoop and whacks the back of your unsuspecting head, then the smile on your unsuspecting face, and maybe makes a banana split out of your nether regions. At least the freezing temperatures have your body morgue-ready when you’re discovered three weeks later by the Public Health Department.
6. You’ve finished your meals and finally asked for the check — split into five receipts, with the wine split between three, the bruschetta split across four, and the garlic bread between a different three than the wine. Feeling nonviolent, the cashier plotted a calculated, slow death for your whole pesky group. After copying all of your credit card information onto a napkin, she passed it onto her sketchy teen neighbor who will use them to check out a few video games from Gamefly every month without ever returning them. You are eventually crushed by millions of dollars in credit card debt.

Take your time! As always, it is our pleasure to serve you well into the wee-hours of the morning when it's much easier to hide your body.