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Snacks? Not Today Satan!
New year, new me. So I’m going to distract myself by…
Looking up the cast of Baywatch to see how they’re doing these days.
Organizing my belongings.
Throwing shit away.
Investigating all the shoes in my home to determine where the smell is coming from.
Penning an anonymous hate letter to the guy in 15B smoking weed at 7 am.
Making sure my binoculars still work.
Chanting “I accept myself as I am” into the mirror while trying something called anti-wrinkle face yoga.
Pricing cosmetic surgery vacations in Mexico.
Soaking my ass in Epsom salt while checking 3 email accounts and old boyfriends online.
Reminding myself that no one has emailed me since 2013.
Playing Sudoku instead.
Cleaning the apartment.
Cleaning the bathrooms.
Praying for strength.
Googling “Whatever happened to Quaaludes?”
Getting into imaginary arguments with estranged friends, political pundits, and whoever creates NYT crossword puzzles.
Thinking up reasons I can’t attend the next family gathering.