So You Turned Into A Giant Cockroach — Now What?

Photo by Romi Yusardi on Unsplash

First, don’t panic. No, your life isn’t over. I know, I know, poor Gregor Samsa — spoiler alert! — dies in the end. But that was 1915.

Things are different for giant cockroaches today. Society has evolved. We accept so much more than we did back in the last century.

We accept you.

Here’s a list of reasons to be cheerful, not depressed, about your new identity as a giant cockroach:

1. You will probably survive nuclear winter. The rest of us will die. You will crawl around on our graves, feeling smug and victorious.
2. You don’t have to work. I know, Gregor’s boss kept calling and calling. It was awkward. We now have disability legislation that calls for guaranteed paid leave for anyone going through insect transformation. Enjoy your time off — get a hobby!
3. Look at this as a personal growth opportunity. Now that you’ve got the body of a hideous insect, you’re no longer going to be hamstrung by personal vanity. Your life can now become about something that matters. Volunteer at a charity. Help clean up the city by eating some of the garbage that’s laying around everywhere.
4. It’s not a disability — it’s a super power. Try crawling upside down on the ceiling. You’ve never had so much fun, trust me. It’s awesome.