Social Media. Working The Room.
Ay up yoof.
You caught me just in time. I’m off out. I’ve been invited to another do. The card for this one says, “You are cordially invited to an event for incessant moaners. You will be in good company.” Don’t know what that last bit means though.
1st Person: You’re an incessant moaner.
Me: How am I?
1st Person: Your profile says so.
Me: No one reads that shit.
Now then, where did I put that bow tie? Oh, that’s right. I still don’t have one.
[later]
Security: Invitation sir.
Me: You’re new.
Security: Hardly. I’m 34 next week.
Me: Touché Turtle.
Security: I beg your pudding?
Me [walking away]: Free buffet in the his-ouse y’all!
[later]
[awkward silence]
Woman: ….So…. Harry and Meghan….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Me: ….So, feminists lie?
Man: That’s right brother.
Me: Coincidentally, I were reading something by a feminist….
Man: A Fem, here we go….
Me: A fem-minist. So, she were saying women shouldn’t assume all men are sexist pigs.
Man: She’s right.
Me: How can she be? She’s a liar.
Man: This one isn’t lying.
Me: You said feminists lie. She’s a feminist; therefore she’s a liar. Unless, she’s cleverly convinced you that she’s telling the truth but is in fact lying?
Man: I, er….
Me: Or, the lie she is telling is so convincing that you believe it to be the truth?
Man: Er, I….
Me: It’s OK brother, I’ll go before your head explodes.
[later]
Woman: ….The example you used is either asinine or disingenuous. In any case it is disingenuous.
Me: Could you say that again please, but in English?
[later]
[awkward silence]
Woman: ….So…. Israel, Palestine….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Man: ….You clearly have not listened to what I said.
Me: I have. I literally repeated what you said when I answered you.
Man: You clearly have not listened to what I said.
Me: I quoted you back.
Man: You clearly have not listened to what I said.
Me: Wait. Are you malfunctioning?
[later]
[awkward silence]
Man: ….So…. JK Rowling….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Me: ….So there’s women and men there, but the bad behaviour is by a couple of men?
Woman: Yes.
Me: So you think the other men should intervene and sort these shitty men out?
Woman: Yes. If you don’t intervene you’re part of the problem.
Me: Them men literally ain’t part of the problem. They’re not behaving like them shitty men.
Woman: They should intervene.
Me: Really? Isn’t that a bit “knight in shining white armour?” I thought society had moved on.
Woman: So men’s bad behaviour should just be tolerated?
Me: No. How about the women and the good men….
Woman: “Good men?”
Me: Sorry, there are no “good” men. How about the women get together with the non-shitty men, approach the shitty men and beat the shit outa them?
Woman: That’s men’s answer to everything. Violence.
Me: I’m only joking.
Woman: Glad to hear it.
Me: Bet you’d love to see it though innit.
[later]
Me: ….You’re obsessed with Black people. You’re obviously a bit of a racist.
Man: Why, because I have an unpopular opinion?
Me: Unpopular opinion? That old excuse for talking shit. You keep banging on about how, “If it was a Black person who’d said it they’d be outrage,” or “If it was a Black person who had done it they’d be outrage,” or about the “hypocrisy” of “White liberals” who are apparently up Black people’s arses.
Man: I say stuff that needs to be said.
Me: Really? You know what? I’ve got more ‘respect’ for someone who’s open about the prejudices they hold, than I have for someone like you. You’re just a keyboard coward.
Man: I think you need to go back where you came from.
Me: Y’wot!?!
Man: Over there. That woman is gesturing you to come back over.
[later]
Woman: ….As a woman, not a minority, I speak for everyone when I say….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Man: ….You’ve been saying some interesting things. OK if I tag along?
Me: Er, suppose so.
[later]
Man: I’m off over there, you coming?
Me: No, I’m alright here.
Man: You’re not gonna follow me then?
Me: Er, Nope.
Me: I followed you, you’re supposed to follow me!
Me: And here’s me thinking we had a genuine connection.
[later]
Woman: ….What you doing?
Me: Origami. I’m bored shitless.
Woman: What’s with the matches?
Me: If I get any more bored shitless I’m gonna set them alight.
Woman: What you’ve made looks like tiny bridges.
Me: Don’t be ridiculous.
[later]
Man: ….Sorry you’ve lost me. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
Me: It were a joke.
Man: Could you not make your jokes more obvious?
Me: What’s the fun in that?
[later]
Me: ….You seem to hate all White people, especially White feminists, you seem to hate all Africans because you blame them for slavery, and you seem to hate all us Black Brits because we have, “colonised minds.”
Woman: Don’t be racist.
Me: I’m Black like you.
Woman [looks me up and down]: Are you, really?
Me: You’re very African American aren’t you….
[woman starts removing earrings]
Me [walking backwards]: I hear a buffet calling….
[later]
Me: ….So, can a man be a feminist?
1st Woman: Yes.
2nd Woman: No.
3rd Woman: Maybe.
Me: Good. I’m glad that one’s been finally cleared up.
[later]
Me: ….I work in a warehouse. I can wander around saying the kind the stuff you say, but if someone don’t like what I said, they might report me to management. If management aren’t happy with what I said, I’ll be dealt with.
Woman: Where you work in a house somewhere is not social media.
Me: Private companies own social media. They make the rules. Don’t like the rules, go find another company.
Woman: That’s a very simplistic view of freedom of speech.
Me: So’s everything that comes out your gob.
[later]
Me: So you’re a relationship expert?
Man: Yep.
Me: So what exactly makes you an expert?
Man: You’re listening to me ain’t you?
Me: I don’t think you like women….
Man: Feminism has….
Me: You use moaning about feminism as cover. I’m not even sure you actually like men. If you did, you wouldn’t dish out such bad dating advice that is bound to lead to negative encounters with women.
Man: I’ll excuse you’re hysteria because you’re drunk.
Me: Don’t drink.
Man [pointing to bottle]: Really?
Me: I’ve got a tickly throat.
[later]
Man: ….But you’re White yeah. Figures.
Me [looking at white cane]: I’ll put what you just said down to you being visually impaired….
Man: Blind!
Me: OK, you win, blind. I’m actually Black. So how about instead of a cheap misguided shot, you actually engage with what I actually said eh?
Man: OK. You’re talking shit.
Me: Well I suppose that’s an improvement….
[later]
[awkward silence]
Man: So…. Brexit….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Me: ….So you’re a feminist?
Woman: Yes.
Me: What y’drinking?
Woman: Wine.
Me: Winey feminist.
Woman: Fuck off.
[later]
Man: ….Silence is Compliance.
Me: Is it fuck.
Man: I beg your pardon?
Me: Here’s one for you. So you and your Black friend, like you’ve got a Black friend….
Man: Actually….
Me: Shush! So you and your Black friend are in the cellar hiding from a mad axe murderer, who’s upstairs looking for people to mad axe murder. Are you gonna be silent?
Man: Well, that example is totally….
Me: Shush! Of course y’gonna be silent. Like a fucking mouse. And no, I’m not fucking drunk…. Urp…. I think I’m gonna be sick….
[later]
Me: ….Bob State. You know. Bob State.
Woman: Bob State?
Me: Yeah, Bob State. They had a Ravey hit in the 90s. The song had a clarinet on it.
Woman: Oh, you mean 808 State?
Me: Yeah, Bob State.
[later]
Man: ….As a minority I speak for everyone when I say….
Me: Hic…. ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Me [to the room]: ….As for you, well you just seem to like to wind people up.
Man: You seem to be slightly wound up when you say that.
Me: Well, well fucking well done you!
Woman [whispers]: Someone touched a nerve.
Me: Another thing, “There isn’t freedom of expression. People get offended.”
Man: Fuck yeah!
Me: I’m taking the fucking piss!
Man [mutters]: Fuck no.
Me: And another thing, someone disagreeing with you don’t make them some kinda, ‘ist’ or a ‘phobe’, or a phoby phobist, or what ever word combinations you can string together to slag people off. Equally….
Woman: He don’t half go on a bit don’t he?
Me: No gaslighting! Equally, someone not agreeing with your guff don’t make them a liberal, White liberal, woke (whatever that is), a snowflake, politically correct, or whatever old or new term you can dig out to use to slag people off. You know what’s wrong with social media? All yous lot!
Security: And yet you’re still here. Maybe you should leave?
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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Special thanks to Ewa.
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