Social Restrictions Saved My Life
How to avoid seeing people when you can’t use social restrictions as an excuse anymore.
The prospect of social restrictions being lifted over the coming weeks is absolutely terrifying. It’s irresponsible and downright dangerous. Sure, there’s a risk of setting off a second wave of the virus, but what about the danger of not having a legitimate excuse to get out of that friend’s drinks this weekend?
That’s right, when it came to excuses social restrictions saved my life. No doubt the king of curmudgeons himself, Larry David, will one day induct social distance restrictions into the Hall of Fame of excuses. So as non-essential businesses like bars and cafes reopen across the country, governments are essentially giving the green light to all non-essential catch ups. And let’s face it: the majority of catch ups are non-essential.
If you think small talk on a Zoom call is awful, you’ve clearly forgotten what it’s like to physically attend your workmate’s BBQ where you’re unable to turn off your camera. We were already living in an age where any minuscule life event could be turned into a gathering that required you to bring a gift; add to that all the pent up frustration of people not being able to hold events for the past two months, and you’ve got the ingredients for a pandemic of parties about to hit your calendar.
So with social distancing no longer being a viable excuse to not hangout with people you can’t stand, you’re going to need to revert to some old favourites. Here’s a few to get you through.
- “My dog died”
An oldy, but a goldy. Is it a horrible, insensitive and inhumane? Yes. But if it gets you out of Susan’s barefoot bowels––use it! - Diarrhoea
A classic if it’s work related and you have zero interest in your reputation or sex appeal at the office. - “I cant make it, I’ve gotta work”
Previously, this has been a favourite and fail-safe go-to, but with the economy in the hole and so many working from home, only a lucky few will be able to pull it off. - “My kid(s) are sick”
If you’re unlucky enough to have kids, you’re lucky enough to make of the most of this impenetrable excuse. - “I’ve actually got COVID-19 symptoms”
A new addition, but if the virus sticks around for years, it could very-well go on to become one of the best excuses to not attend that gender reveal cutting of a cake.
