The Haven
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The Haven

Some Jokes About This Week’s News

Wherein I riff on some wacky headlines.

Long time fans of my column may have noticed my penchant for poking fun at current events across both the political and pop culture field.

What you may not know is that I’ve always wanted to do a ‘Weekend Update’ style of monologue comedy about the news, so here are some silly headlines that I would have simply tweeted about if I had a Twitter account.

Tish Cyrus files for divorce from Billy Ray after 28 years of marriage. When asked for comment she explained “First I thought he was Hannah Montana’s dad, now I’m finding out he was secretly Miley Cyrus’ dad? It’s like I don’t even know who he is anymore.”

Amid rise of gun violence, Biden unveils ‘basic common sense’ regulations targeting ghost guns. Still no word yet on his plan to deal with zombie guns, goblin guns, or the dreaded Franken-gun plaguing the Southwest.

Will Smith has been banned from attending the Oscars for 10 years over the slapping incident with Chris Rock. When asked why he received such a harsh punishment, a representative for the Academy simply stated “Our hands were tied, he’s not a white pedophile so he was already on thin ice.”

Kid Rock launches new tour with a video greeting from Donald Trump saying “I love you all.” This most certainly sets the tone for the concert of a lifetime, as this has never been said to a Kid Rock fan before.

Biden has been critiqued for “hiding in his bunker.” An official spokesman for the White House clarified “He wasn’t hiding, that’s just where he goes to nap. There’s a sun beam down there.”

Bill Gates says another pandemic is coming. Jesus Christ, do we really need a reboot of every single classic franchise?

Marjorie Taylor Greene defends January 6th because it “only happened one time.” Poor Marjorie Taylor Greene, she doesn’t even know January 6 happens every year.

Jussie Smollett maintains his innocence in an ongoing legal battle regarding an alledged fake hate crime. Good thing he’s feeling better, last I heard he was really beating himself up about it.

Brett Favre has been Implicated in an $8 Million welfare scam. When asked for comment, Favre announced his retirement from the NFL, just out of muscle memory.

Man who claims he could have stopped the 9/11 hijackers recounts being thrown out of a party by the ear.

If you got a kick out of any of these jokes, you can actually buy some of your own at my Fiverr page. Or you could simply join my mailing list to absorb the humor through photosynthesis, free of charge.



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TeeJay Small

Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat