Some like it NOT

Marilyn was hot and the movie is a classic - this essay is neither. Speaking of classy, if I ever write the Great American novel it may start like this: “And there he was, listening to Cool Jazz and slumped over in his frayed leather chair, Serge Diknikov - a 1st rate drunk and a 3rd generation asshole © …” — I may still do it which is why I slapped the ‘copyright’ label on it, so hands off — You shifty lot! Then again, assuming I’d ever finish it and manage to publish it — who will read it? Presumably someone who can relate, perhaps a 2nd or 4th generation asshole, and there’s my market niche … rear end pedigree tends to run in families, although you can easily acquire it on your own if it skipped a generation. On that one, Nature = Nurture. Don’t quote me.

And so today, I write about writing.

I have 9 followers on Medium and I love every single one of them. At that acquisition pace, I reckon I’ll be at 10 by June, 12 by (this) Christmas, and the rest is history (in the making). Friendly people will advise you how to grow an online audience for your treatise and we see it at work every day here on Medium: Curse or use a sexy title (anything with d*ck will do), or add a catchy picture (anything with boobs will do) or try to get a headline spot (how?), or finagle when the well-meaning volunteer editors push out the piled up stories for the day as anything past 6 pm East is a loss, given that there are another 20+ stories coming out next morning if not earlier. Inflow, outflow, forgotten — no one ever comes back from scrolling down a few days, just too dangerous — catacombs-in Paris-like situation, without the charming accent. Next, cross-cite your posted article on Twitter or Facebook and then pray for likes, shares and retweets, or if you’re lucky even a comment or two. Remember, you’re going for ‘engagement’, just without the sparkly ring, which makes a direct message or IM ‘really special’. At the end, with all this nauseating, self-serving effort, you get a total of 4 more people noticing you who deep down hope you follow them back. Congrats — here’s the harsh truth: No one cares about your writings as much as you, which is why you won’t make any money writing, if you pay for membership or not. The market is super fragmented, impossible to get through the ever-increasing noise, forget making even a dent in the ‘daily digest’, and the downside of a self-publishing platform like Medium is that everything goes, and boy it does! The ‘writer’s block’ has gone out of fashion when we needed it most.

So, forget building an audience — and for God’s sake stop writing, much less reading ‘how to grow your audience’ pieces. Who gives a sh*t ?! — all you’re doing by consuming these ‘how-to’ stories is adding to their audience, not growing yours’. Don’t be a fool.

Here is a revelation: You’re writing because you bloody need to! — easy.

Yes. You’re an artist, a writer, so being creative is cathartic and self-perpetuating since positively reinforcing — meaning that the more you write the better you (get, perhaps, but definitely) feel. Much cheaper than (good) booze, healthier than comfort food, better than streaming TV (sans Seinfeld reruns, those are spectacular), and you don’t need a prescription to get past the podgy security guard in tactical gear like for your recreational Ganja. Stay with me, gents: So, if writing makes you feel better, then “your audience” really is a free support group, along the lines of “Hi — I am Tom, and I am a satire writer” … — so, do you really want to cough up all your sh*t in front of 10–25K strangers that “follow” you on your website or per ‘smart’-phone camera to the bathroom, whatever is closer? Unless your last name is Kardashian, you don’t, right? — — which is precisely why having about 12 followers is the way to go, after all that number worked well already for Jesus (*).

— → The gist of it: I’m on track, 3 to go — ‘Like’ it or not.

(* = … granted, JC didn’t have to compete with Elon Musk’s 9% investment in and 80M followers on Twitter … was simpler back then to get the message out, mostly regional, sandals only, no Wi-Fi).

© Tom Deisboeck, 2022. All Rights Reserved.