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The Haven

This afternoon’s practice run for SOTU included practicing his finger crossing to make sure they’re times correctly. (Branthecan and Gage Skidmore)

SOTU Promises Radical New Directions

President outlines bold new plan for America’s future

6 p.m. January 30, 2018

An anonymous White House source revealed an early draft of the President’s first State of the Union Address (SOTU) only hours before he takes the podium. He may still revise it at the last minute, but as is, Americans can expect a bold new vision of America’s future.

The President will do a total about face, praising the Dreamers, embracing racial diversity, promising to do “whatever it takes to improve our schools, roads and inner cities,” and opening doors for immigration to Mexicans and Moslems. “On the one hand we must be tough,” he will say. “With the other we must be fair and forgiving.”

Even more amazing is the fact that almost none of it will be true.

The speech was written only to improve the President’s sagging ratings, especially with independent voters who swept him into office. The White House hopes the more moderate stance will improve his favorability ratings. But those promises, which will rankle his hard core and unflagging base will be delivered with his fingers crossed behind his back.

The White House installed a secret camera in the Senate which will record and broadcast every time he crosses his fingers during the speech. Based on the cues written into the draft, this will happen 1,449 times. The real time video will stream live exclusively to registered Republicans who donate to his re-election campaign fund, and will later be available to download for $29.99.

The White House installed a secret camera in the Senate which will record and broadcast every time he crosses his fingers during the speech. Based on the cues written into the draft, this will happen 1,449 times.

Our anonymous White House source confirmed he has already raised $457 million for his reelection campaign (or, in the words of the President, “trillions, more money than has ever been raised in the history of Presidential campaigns”).

A few of his statements will be made with both hands visible to the TV cameras.

Appeal to bipartisanship

The President is being honest when he says he wants more bipartisan cooperation. His speech lays out the terms of his bipartisan outreach.

“In the next year both sides of the aisle should work together to reach bipartisan accord on the issues that divide our nation. Let me make it clear what this will require. The Democrats will need to cave on every demand we make, and, in return, we will throw them the few scraps that don’t cost us support with our voters.”

“Let me make it clear what (bipartisanship) will require. The Democrats will need to cave on every demand we make, and, in return, we will throw them the few scraps that don’t cost us support with our voters.”

In addition, POTUS will demand that the Democrats give up their silly Russia investigation, turn Hillary Clinton over to the White House for arrest, and surrender all of the evidence they’ve been hiding that will allow him to lock her and “her corrupt, pussy grabbing husband in jail until the 23rd century.”

Major changes at the FBI

Newly Deputy Director Flynn began closing down the FBI just prior to the speech (Brunswyk)

Even as the doors to the Senate Chamber closed at the beginning of his speech, the President’s newly appointed deputy director Mike Flynn will begin shutting down the FBI. “We don’t need it anymore,” he will tell the nation. “They couldn’t catch Bill Clinton in a blow job or his crooked wife Hillary for selling 33,000 secrets to our allies in Russia when they were still our enemies. And they want to railroad me? Not going to happen.”

“(The FBI) couldn’t catch Bill Clinton in a blow job or his crooked wife Hillary for selling 33,000 secrets to our allies in Russia when they were still our enemies.”

The Department of Justice will close by the end of March and Robert Mueller will be given his “marching orders to Russia.” [1]

Both organizations will be replaced with a private contract to the brand new Trump Organization Security Force. The new investigative unit will be staffed with “totally objective agents, completely unbiased, who contributed to the GOP, vote Republican and swear their loyalty to me. Mike Flynn will remain deputy director with the top spot going to Devin Nunes for his thorough and objective work sabotaging this totally phony Russia thing. My son-in-law Jared will serve as his chief advisor, which will allow me to pay him two salaries instead of one.”

No such thing as Presidential typos

Last night news sources broke a story that the invitation to SOTU contained a typing error, inviting attendees to the “State of the Uniom” address. Tonight the President will set the record straight.

“The invitations to the ‘State of the Uniom address” were not typos. I’m officially renaming it The State of the UnioMAGAdress, State of the Uniom for short, to celebrate our American Magnificence.”

“The invitations to the ‘State of the Uniom address” were not typos. I’m officially renaming it The State of the UnioMAGAdress, State of the Uniom for short, to celebrate our American Magnificence.”

Five different Democratic legislators will respond to the address, which has led to criticism about their ability to unite the party in the next elections. Forty-five different Republicans have already recorded their responses to the Democratic responses, (none of them having reviewed the content of those speeches).

[1]: The draft indicates a long pause for an anticipated twenty five uninterrupted minutes of applause.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.