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The Haven

Drumpf struts his accomplishments at this weeks State of the Union. (Michael Vadon)

SOTU Reaches Across Aisle

Drump pleads for one-sided bipartisanship

Drumpf made his case for one-sided bipartisanship with a long-winded and Coverly complex State of the Union Address. Overly complex, that is, for Drumpf who has difficulty following an outline with more than three bullet points. His SOTU featured eight, less than a third of addresses by previous Presidents.

“It’s time to reach across the aisle and address both parties’ concerns,” he announced after applauding his entry twice as long as the members of Congress in attendance. Including his own party. “Republicans can’t wait to work hand in hand with the Democrats until they cave to every demand. I believe Democrats understand that the best interests of the country are more important than partisan bickering. When they realize Democratic policies are in the worst interests of the country, they’ll dissolve their stupid party and become Republicans.”

“It’s time to reach across the aisle and address both parties’ concerns. Republicans can’t wait to work hand in hand with the Democrats until they cave to every demand.”

He then pointed out the many bad policies of the Democrats, including Virginia’s new law that allows unborn children to receive the death sentence, Ohio’s law mandating the death penalty for women who choose natural birth over abortion, New York’s law mandating attendance at Klan rallies, Washington’s law mandating that all senior citizens be euthanized on retirement, and California’s law permitting online registration for non-citizens anywhere in the world.

Calls for compromise

“But there’s always room for compromise,” Drumpf added. “These stupid pointless wall negotiations for instance. I’ve always been willing to compromise. You give me my wall, and I won’t say no unless I need to shore up my base. Once the Democrats prove their willingness to compromise, we’ll be able to keep the murdering raping Mexicans out, and send a few more back. You know the illegals in Congress that use initials because no one can pronounce her name. And I’ll compromise on this pointless investigation that wastes most of my precious executive time. All the Democrats need to do is drop this fruitless witch hunt and I’ll make sure Robert Mueller gets a nice recommendation when I give him the boot.”

Drumpf promised further bipartisan compromises. His proposal included $500 million over the next hundred years for children’s cancer and AIDs research in exchange for massive tax cuts for the rich and $2 trillion a year for arms to sell to “our many vital allies Saudi Arabia and the government of Saudi Arabia” and salary boosts “to buy loyalty from my Generals who still think they know more than I do.”

He also proposed an infrastructure initiative, which included $250 billion for “my big beautiful border wall. This won’t be a weakling, see through wall that’s still too manly for Democrats, but a real wall, a manlier than manly wall made of concrete and built by Mexican labor on Mexico’s tab so they’ll be working for the Mexicans and not illegals. Once we get the new infrastructure in place, drug dealers, rapists, human smugglers, terrorists and drug smugglers will bash their criminal brains against my wall like bugs on a speeding truck’s windshield.” He slapped his hands together to demonstrate.

Drumpf proposed an infrastructure initiative, which included $250 billion for “my big beautiful border wall.”

“No more socialists either,” he announced. “As of tonight I am putting an end to socialism. It’s gone. We’re free again.” This line received the most applause of the evening, mostly from Drumpf Organization employees who were forced to fly to D.C. at their own expense and applaud when the script directed them. “How will I accomplish this? I’m selling the liberal socialist terrorist-sympathizing west coast states and New York to Russia for enough money to pay down one month of the national debt. And boy, will they love Russia, let me tell you. It will be a kind, freedom-loving Russia with a free press, which America doesn’t have and unlike the socialist communist Russia they yearn for with nostalgia, but still better than the freedoms they hate at home.”

Women’s achievements honored

For many, the highlight of the evening was the moment when Drumpf recognized the accomplishments of women, including the “vast increase in the number of women in Congress who wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.”

FOX commentators monitor the address and the scrolling list of campaign donors.
FOX commentators monitor the address and the scrolling list of campaign donors.

Drumpf innovated a number of new approaches to the address, including a dozen 120 inch HD Monitors, and refusing to let the cameras wander from him. The most notable innovation was to scroll the list of “great American patriots” who contributed to his 2020 campaign. The screen would also scroll the list of enemies of the state, voters who didn’t contribute.

The highlight of the evening was the moment when Drumpf recognized the accomplishments of women, including the “vast increase in the number of women in Congress who wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me.”

Unfortunately for Drumpf, the House voted unanimously to “not commercialize” the chambers. He was forced to rely on FOX News to run the lists during his address. Since more than 58 percent of Americans have already indicated they won’t vote for Drumpf under any circumstances, the enemies list scrolled past at twenty times the speed and still managed to name twelve percent of non-contributors.

“The strategy umped our…I mean the President’s campaign coffers by three hundred percent,” admitted B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff Steve Mnuchin’s assistant deputy. “Each time one of Drumpf’s whales saw a number beside another whale, he had to top it. We could pay off Drumpf’s entire debt to the Russians but, I didn’t say that. It was off the record. Seriously, you can’t print this. You won’t. Right?”

The Haven assured Kizzazz his statement was as confidential as anything Drumpf Tweets.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.