The Haven
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The Haven

The White House’s last minute detailed proposal for POTUS’ new Space Force. (Click to Enlarge)

Space Force Cadets Need Huge Space Balls

Women have globes, but in wrong place for new armed service

Space Force, which would take charge of the Department of Defense’s space warfare mission — which is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare — is not to be confused with Space Corps, whose mission is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare.

“Imagine a whole separate branch of the Armed Forces. In space,” the President told his armed services audience, who was forced to miss lunch to sit through his speech. “Instead of fighting on land and sea, they would fight in space. How cool would that be? Iran violates the arms deal, which won’t be in effect after I possibly, just maybe, but I’m not saying for certain, won’t be around much longer, and we zap ’em from space. Nothing left but burnt head towels where their nuclear missile launching heads were. Murdering, raping Mexicans want to cross our border? Zap ’em from space. Bad guys in Chicago want to rob and rape innocent women and businessmen? That’s right, you know who I’m talking about. I don’t have to say it when the sons-of-bitches disrespect our flag before football games. One precise laser beam takes care of the problem.”

“Space Force cadets will need huge Space Balls. I mean really big. Marine-sized cojones. Women have globes, but those’re in the wrong place for the Space Force mission.”

The President didn’t provide any specifics because, as one Department of Defense source confided, “He pulled it out of his ass on the spur of the moment. Like he’s thinking, ‘there’s a lot of space here. Space. Space. That word would get me some applause. How about a space force?”

“William Burroughs wrote this story about a guy whose asshole took over his body and did all the talking for him. After hearing the speech today, I’m pretty sure we elected that guy.”

DOD’s Space Force scenario raises questions about POTUS’ plan. (Click to enlarge)

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