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The Haven

The White House’s last minute detailed proposal for POTUS’ new Space Force. (Click to Enlarge)

Space Force Cadets Need Huge Space Balls

Women have globes, but in wrong place for new armed service

Catching everyone in Washington with their pants down, from the Congress to the Defense Department to his staff, the President told Marines in San Diego that he was launching “Space Force.” This fifth wing of the Armed Services would be “really cool since it’s in space, something Obama would never let us have.”

Legislators, DOD officials and federal employees scrambled to develop details of the plan to “deploy troops in space on Star Wars satellites” that did not exist before the President created it on the spur of the moment to show the troops he’s the “commandingest Commander-in-Chief in the history of Commander-in-Chiefs.”

Space Force, which would take charge of the Department of Defense’s space warfare mission — which is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare — is not to be confused with Space Corps, whose mission is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare, and was proposed by the House Armed Services Committee in February. The President vigorously opposed Space Corps “because we don’t need more bureaucracy, and we sure don’t need to waste taxpayer dollars on silly science fiction shit.”

Space Force, which would take charge of the Department of Defense’s space warfare mission — which is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare — is not to be confused with Space Corps, whose mission is to oversea ground-to-space and space-to-space warfare.

“Imagine a whole separate branch of the Armed Forces. In space,” the President told his armed services audience, who was forced to miss lunch to sit through his speech. “Instead of fighting on land and sea, they would fight in space. How cool would that be? Iran violates the arms deal, which won’t be in effect after I possibly, just maybe, but I’m not saying for certain, won’t be around much longer, and we zap ’em from space. Nothing left but burnt head towels where their nuclear missile launching heads were. Murdering, raping Mexicans want to cross our border? Zap ’em from space. Bad guys in Chicago want to rob and rape innocent women and businessmen? That’s right, you know who I’m talking about. I don’t have to say it when the sons-of-bitches disrespect our flag before football games. One precise laser beam takes care of the problem.”

POTUS promised Space Force wouldn’t be like the failed Star Wars Strategic Defense Initiative because, “we’re putting space force in space. Remote controlled weapons are a thing of the past. Our Space Force troops will ride in the satellite and aim the lasers personally.”

The President was most proud of the fact that, at least in his mind, Space Force will be all male. “Space Force cadets will need huge Space Balls. I mean really big. Marine-sized cojones. Women have globes, but those’re in the wrong place for the Space Force mission.” He cupped his hands above his chest. Many male Marines cheered. Most of the women later informed their COs that they wouldn’t re-up because they would defend America, but they wouldn’t defend it from “that guy.”

“Space Force cadets will need huge Space Balls. I mean really big. Marine-sized cojones. Women have globes, but those’re in the wrong place for the Space Force mission.”

The President didn’t provide any specifics because, as one Department of Defense source confided, “He pulled it out of his ass on the spur of the moment. Like he’s thinking, ‘there’s a lot of space here. Space. Space. That word would get me some applause. How about a space force?”

An Air Force official told The Haven, “William Burroughs wrote this story about a guy whose asshole took over his body and did all the talking for him. After hearing the speech today, I’m pretty sure we elected that guy.”

“William Burroughs wrote this story about a guy whose asshole took over his body and did all the talking for him. After hearing the speech today, I’m pretty sure we elected that guy.”

DOD’s Space Force scenario raises questions about POTUS’ plan. (Click to enlarge)

Nor did the President explain how he would finance Space Force, which will add an additional half trillion dollars to the one and a half trillion he can’t pay for after his new tax cuts. “It’s space,” he told the crowd. “That’s a lot of real estate I can sell to cover costs. Imagine how much Russia would pay us for the rights to the moon to finance our military might. I could seal that deal in a minute, even though Putin isn’t my friend and I didn’t collude with him. He colluded with me. There’s a big difference you know.”

When the speech ended, 45 called the White House and told Chief of Staff John Kelly to have the finished proposal on his desk before he returned that afternoon. The staff panicked because he already assigned a hundred more tasks to be completed before he returned. “We finally found an intern who took a drawing class,” an aide admitted. “We gave him three bullet points and said, ‘Draw a picture.’ Then he’ll forget about it until next year when he’ll be against it again.”

Based on the sketchy details provided by the President’s vision, the Department of Defense ran a series of projected outcomes were the Space Force to be deployed. “Worst case scenario?” an official said. “We destroy the moon, Mars and Saturn. In the best case scenario the worst damage will be destroying Mar-A-Lago. And we’d never hear the end of that.”

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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