Sean Spicer dances in a flamingo costume
Sean Spicer dances in a flamingo costume
Sean Spicer and partner practice for their DWTS debut. (Tech. Sgt. Chuck Walker)

Spicey Recruits Christ for DWTS

Calls for a Christian Jihad on liberal Hollywood judges

Phillip T Stephens
Sep 22, 2019 · 3 min read

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer called for a “Christian Jihad on liberal Hollywood Judges” following their disappointing reaction to his debut dance on Dancing With the Stars. After awarding him double bonus scores for enthusiasm but quadruple markdowns for talent, ability and execution, Spicer finished with a score of -12, the lowest score in the history of DWTS scores.

Spicer, who performed in a lime green and white outfit that, in the words of host Tom Bergeron, “resembled an infected flamingo” also had the honor of receiving the only negative score awarded in show history.

“Without the enthusiasm bonus, it would have been , like minus infinity,” said judge Bruno Tonioli. “His performance looked like an octaplegic who couldn’t qualify for the Special Olympics fighting off a swarm of hornets angered by his gyrations.”

“Without the enthusiasm bonus, it would have been , like minus infinity,” said judge Bruno Tonioli. “His performance looked like an octaplegic who couldn’t qualify for the Special Olympics fighting off a swarm of hornets angered by his gyrations.”

Spicer’s partner, professional dancer Lindsay Arnold later applied for sanctuary in North Korea so that she would never be exposed to that level of embarrassment again.

In response, Spicer Tweeted a call to arms for Christians to cast their votes in his favor and overturn the judge’s “evil, ungodly, unChristlike behavior.” A follow up Tweet read, “It’s time to promote CHRIST on the dance floor and not liberal Hollywood values. Let your votes multiply like loafs (sic) and fishes.”

Currently Spicer leads the vote tally with callers who said, “Give the win to anyone but this guy.”

Spicer offered his costume on eBay to fund “the conservative crusade for Christ” but only managed to solicit one bid for $5.31. “Halloween was coming up and I thought it would be a great door prize for our annual drunken Halloween bash,” said the winner.

Spicer offered his costume on eBay to fund “the conservative crusade for Christ” but only managed to solicit one bid for $5.31. “Halloween was coming up and I thought it would be a great door prize for our annual drunken Halloween bash,” said winner Bluto Buttowsky of Pi Sigma Chai fraternity at the University of Southern North Dakota. His frat brothers made him return the costume for a full refund.

When asked to comment, Christ said, “I’m trying to save the world from climate change and nuclear holocaust and you waste my time with this shit?”

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

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Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Phillip T Stephens

Written by

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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