Stop Peppering Me With Your Questions…I Don’t Have All The Answers — by Ted Tock

I get it. I’m a seeker, too. And yes, it’s great when we have an expert we can turn to for advice and direction. Heck, just the other day, I read an e-How article to try to figure out how to change the battery in my old Subaru. So, what I’m about to say is going to be difficult — maybe even a bit hypocritical: Stop asking me all of your life questions; I don’t have the answers. My name’s Ted Tock — not Ted Talk (it’s Scottish; my ancestors were from Edinburgh).

Look, I’m just like you, just a regular guy trying to figure out this crazy world. Hey, until recently, I didn’t even know that supermarket eggs were the result of a hen’s menstruation cycle; I thought they were all baby chickens and that when I made scrambled eggs, I was responsible for a small genocide. Mind blown! Of course, now I know…but could I stand up on a stage and give a thirty-minute talk about chicken eggs? Heck, no! I’m no chicken farmer or embryologist. I’m Theodore J. Tock, a registered sex offender from Gainesville. Trust me, when I tell you I have no advice you would want.

Every time I relocate (and believe me, it’s a lot), thanks to community notification laws, I’m required to pay a visit to all my new neighbors and introduce myself. I say, “Howdy new neighbor, my name’s Ted Tock.” They usually giggle and say something like, “Ted Talk? You’re not going to stand here on my doorstep and give me a thirty-minute lecture on how to increase my creativity, are you?” And I say, “No, ma’am, I wouldn’t know nothing about that. My name’s actually Ted T-O-C-K…what you’re thinking of is a TED Talk, and I’m not affiliated with that…but I am a registered sex offender and so I’m required by law to let you good folks know I’ll be living in that nondescript rancher across the street there, the one with the overgrown lawn and boarded-up windows? At least I will, until you come with your pitchforks and torches and drive me out like I’m Frankenstein…though a little bit of trivia for you: most people think the monster’s name is Frankenstein — but it’s actually the doctor’s name. The monster has no name.” Usually about that time is when the husband comes to the door and threatens me with bodily harm. Let me tell you, I’ve given these “Ted Tocks” at least a hundred times, but I still can’t say I’m good at them.

Heck, back in school, no one even knew what a TED Talk was. It sure was easier then, never having to explain the difference between “Talk” and “Tock,” or having to step over bikes and skateboards in a new neighbor’s driveway in an effort to charm the muscular guy under the hood of a Ford F150 by asking him how to get the local newspaper delivery service — oh, and by the way, I’m what is known in the popular parlance as a predator — and speaking of predators, did you know the panther is native to Florida? Thanks to their large hind legs, they’re capable of jumping up to fifteen feet vertically in the air. Despite their ferocity and keen hunting skills, there’s never been a recorded attack of a Florida panther on a human being — unlike me, who single out the most innocent and weakest among us —

My nickname back in school was “Thick Tock” a funny take on “Tick Tock” on account of I was a little slow on the upkeep and easy to pull one over on. It was always a hoot to slap a “kick me” sign on my back, or fool me by telling me the most popular girl in school was sweet on me just to lure me to the homecoming dance so jocks could dump a whole bucket of pig’s blood on my head. Why, I’ll bet those merry pranksters just yucked it up when they saw their old pal, Thick Tock on their televisions, strolling into that fancy kitchen with a dozen roses and chocolates, only to find Chris Hansen waiting there to greet me. “Hey, you’re Chris Hansen!” I gushed. “I’m a big fan. What are you doing here? You wouldn’t happen to know Candi, would you? Speaking of candy, did you know that Germany is the number one exporter of chocolate in the world? Most people think it’s Switzerland, but no, it’s — who are these guys? Are you friends of Candi, too — ” Before I knew it, I was face-down on the linoleum with my hands cuffed behind my back.

So, as you can see, I’m not the guy should be giving life talks. If you’ve got questions about Technology, Entertainment, or Design, you want TED Talks; if you want to know how not to get charged with solicitation of a minor in an Internet chatroom, then you probably want me, Ted Tock. Speaking of unlawful carnal knowledge, did you know the age of consent in Florida is…