Stop talking when I’m meditating
Other gripes with YouTube instructors and exercising at home
After a yearlong, four-day routine in which I went to WERQ dance fitness, Pilates, Yoga and an occasional Zumba class, I let my membership expire on October 1. I’d already learned the secret of Roku and Philo, and saved myself $75 extra from unnecessarily high bundle packages. So I made up my mind to keep my exercise routine going with ROKU free channels and streaming services instead. I work from home. Why not exercise from home too? This may have been a mistake. Here’s why.
What is with that heavy breathing?
Dilemma: My neighbors for sure think I’m watching porn when I do Power Yoga. Why? Because this PopSugar lady in pink moans through every exercise. People with good manners watch porn with headphones in. Or, at least with the volume down low enough that the neighbors can’t hear you.
Resolution: Just look for videos with Jess Taras (or other instructors) by herself. She doesn’t moan, and people who pass my door don’t hear porn sounds. Also, the same volume rules apply if you’re having sex with an actual person — keep the volume down low enough so the neighbors don’t know. (And don’t put your headphones on while having sex. Some people are overly sensitive about that, too.)
Why do the fitness instructors on YouTube talk through every pose?
Dilemma: These Chatty Patties are worse than that nuisance that sits next to you on an airplane and wants to talk the whole flight. When they’re not sharing random stories or telling you about every bone in your body during each exercise move, they’re counting down the pose to make time go even slower. And they don’t seem to realize that you have to re-listen to this same conversation every single time you watch the video again.
Resolution: Put the TV on mute and give yourself neck cramps from checking every few seconds to make sure Chatty Patty hasn’t moved to a new pose.
How do I get into the workout routine if commercials keep popping up?
Dilemma: If you think you’re going to save yoga money by installing this Yoga Daily Channel, think again. Commercials play almost every 60 seconds before you can even get used to a pose.
Resolution: Use the commercial breaks to get water or march in place. Or, just start singing songs you know by heart. Bonus points if you start doing the dance routine that goes with the song. Need any ideas? I like to do Beyonce’s “Formation” or “711” choreography. I’m sure I look ridiculous, but it feels so good to dance ridiculously. When the commercials stop, I go right back to my yoga pose.
How can I meditate in silence if you keep telling me to enjoy my silence?
Dilemma: I really thought I was lucking out to not hear people jumping rope or dropping barbells during meditation time at the gym. Think again. Between my neighbor who constantly slams the front entrance door — and completely ignores my Home Depot sign that says “Don’t Let the Door Slam Please” — and the mail carrier slamming the mailbox and front entrance door close, peace and quiet doesn’t come easy on a first-floor condo. Then there’s the video instructors who constantly tell you how quiet it is, how you need to relax and how you should zone out — 5,000 times during “quiet” meditation. And that’s after they stop ringing the Buddhist Bell.
Resolution: Download Insight Timer on your smartphone or tablet, or subscribe to Relaxing White Noise YouTube channels or the like. I can’t control my Hulk Mail Carrier or my serial-slamming neighbor, but at least I can control someone going “You are amazing. Think about going to a faraway place” in that weird Jessica Rabbit voice.
And now that I’ve written this entire post, I’ve reached a new resolution. Don’t ever let your gym membership expire.