The Haven
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The Haven

Stream This

A Guide to New Streaming Services That You Cannot Live Without

Disney∞

Yes, Disney+ is super cool. All those animated movies we grew up with, featuring a septet of Dwarves, Lion royalty, and Princesses of all sorts. We truly can’t imagine our childhoods without them. Add in all those films with characters from Marvel Comics AND the Star Wars and you got a solid array of entertainment properties. But we all know that DisneyPlus doesn’t have EVERYTHING that Walt’s company has produced or acquired over their eighty years of entertainment domination. What TV shows and movies are they holding back? What are they ashamed of and/or not willing to put out there?

Now completists can rejoice! A brand new streaming service is here that delivers what Disney+ is too scared to give you.

READ PART 2 for more streaming services!

Announcing: Disney INPHINITY® has the content that true completists need. Disney∞ will have everything that could not fit (for whatever reason) on DisneyPLUS. These are the movies and TV shows that have been swept under the rug. The ‘what were they thinkin?’ stuff. The nasty and ghastly stuff, such as:

-Song of the South
Zippity Do-Dah! The 1946 animated-live action movie starring Uncle Remis and Br’er Rabbit on a southern plantation set back in washbucket times was never released on video or any streaming platform ever. Why? Dunno. Well now hardcore DisneyHeads can enjoy this masterpiece of get-alonged-ness! See rabbits get along with humans, cartoons get along with live people, everybody’s happy in 1800s Alabama! (I’ve never seen it, but on paper it looks fabulous.)

-That Donald Duck cartoon where he pretends to be a Nazi, or satirizes Hitler, or both… not sure.

-Star Wars Holiday Special
This IS canon. Lumpy should get his own movie!

Baby Palpatine!

EXCLUSIVE!
Disney∞ will also premiere a brand new show that (for unknown reasons) is not on the more famous service: BABY PALPATINE. It’s a fantastic new series that delves into Palpy’s toddler days. We watch Palpatine younger than we’ve ever seen him before, stumbling around in his play pen and learning valuable lessons from Darth Miss Francine. And yes, merchandise for this new show will be sold exclusively at WAWA in 2022.

-Disney∞ will also have a live feed of the room where they keep Walt’s head in a jar.

SMURFS+

Smurfs! Smurfs! Smurfs!

Are you unsatisfied with the amount of Smurf content currently available to you by the main-streaming services out there (you know which ones). I assume you are a sensible person and you’ll say,

“I need more Smurfs on my screens!”

Then you gotta get SMURFS+. This is the ONLY service that provides the 1958 Belgium black & white classic film Les Aventures des Schtroumpfs and the later more well known Smurf cartoon flicks (The Smurfs and the Magic Flute and The Baby Smurf, par examples). Along with the ’80s Hanna-Barbera Saturday morning cartoon, you also get those recent Smurfs movies whose producers ACTED LIKE THE CREATOR HIMSELF and tried to rewrite the laws of decency, when they inexplicably changed the fundamental look and feel of our favorite little blue, perfectly designed forest-dwelling villagers! WHO thought changing their skin color to a sickly sky-blue and giving them realistic eyes (WITH CREEPY IRISES!!!!) was a good idea? Some questions have no acceptable answer.

If this thing takes off, they’ll probably throw in the two live action Asterix movies (with Gérard Depardieu playing Obelix!), Spielberg’s Tin Tin movie, and the lost to time 1981 live action Gaston Lagaffe movie (Fais gaffe à la gaffe!) costarring Lorraine Branco. Ouef!

Benson+

The timeless 1980s sitcom starring Robert Guillame, René Auberjonois, and more.

All 158 episodes just waiting for you.

Live the life you were born to have.

Hasbro Amalgamated Universe

We Are All CATS

TransformersGI Joe…. Thundercats….. My Little Pony…… Voltron….… Battle of the Planets…….. SilverHawks…..…. Strawberry Shortcake…….… Snorks……..… M.A.S.K……..…..
If there’s an ’80s IP blowing in the wind (aka a cartoon property from the Reagan-era whose the TV & movie rights are not owned by Disney or Sony), you can bet your bippy that it’s been scooped up by Hasbro and now they’re all crammed into this one service. Yeah, all the ‘80s cartoons of these characters will be there. But check out the new offerings: ThundrCATS. Yes, Lion-O, Panthr-O, and the rest of the Third Earth gang stage a remake of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s feline musical, (and some other fan favs from the 80s join in too) to sing their tails off, and get jellical AF!

All your favorite (or your parents/uncle’s favorite) IPs are back and more relevant than ever! Rekindle the feelings of watching these after-school syndicated cartoons, or experience these “vintage” characters for the first time. Whatever it takes for you to watch, and keep watching! Are you not entertained?

CHECK OUT PART 2 OF THIS SERIES
More Streaming Services

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