Love to Think With Your Gun? Here are Five Killer Book Titles For Kids That Will Blow Away the Competition
A pitch to the NRA for a series of books for a new “Little Lock and Loaders” imprint of their publishing arm.
Gentlemen:
Everyone needs a gun to be safe, but not everyone understands that. This proposed book series will train young minds on the value of high-powered weapons to keep them safe. And hopefully make them the lifelong gunsumers¹ you want them to be.
Working with children just as their brains begin to develop logic and reasoning, and showing them how safe assault rifles can be, will allow them to live a freer and safer life. Maybe, if they are adequately prepared, they can one day be a hero in their own school by shooting a bad guy before things get out of hand. And where does that preparation begin?
It starts with making the obsessive desire for weapons a mainstream phenomenon. Just as today’s youth crave smartphones, you can incept² the same craving into tomorrow’s youth culture with product plants in books for early readers.
For your consideration, here are suggested titles and the style in which they would be written for each age group, with the hope that, God willing, one day every child will be armed and dangerous.
TODDLERS AND PRE-SCHOOLERS
Know Your Gun: A Shoot With Red and Dot Book for First Readers
Drawn and written in the style of the once ubiquitous “Dick and Jane” books, this book indoctrinates little ones to a lifetime of guns and 2nd amendment rights. How adorable it will be to show two innocent children — Red, the rambunctious red-headed boy with a hair trigger, and Dot, the impetuous prissy who is itching for a fight — taking those first big steps to packing heat. And won’t the little lady be so impressed when her young friend shoots that pesky dog who seems to be threatening her? Stand your ground little guy. Stand your ground.
KINDERGARTNERS
Packington the Bear and His First Concealed Carry
Everybody loves a cute little Peruvian bear dressed in a raincoat and hat, especially one eating marmalade all day long. But no one will mess with him once they realize the firepower he has hidden under that raincoat. Of course, the bear in our story won’t be from Peru, as illegal aliens are a non-starter. We’re thinking maybe a grizzly cub from Montana so we avoid the whole black bear, brown bear thing.
1st THROUGH 6th GRADERS
Captain Kevlar Underpants
Now we get into some serious preparedness as we follow the hilarious hijinks of a raucous first-grader trying on bullet proof underpants for a few good fart jokes, but who quickly learns they’re nice to keep from having your still-maturing balls blown off.
Then, with a new book for each successive year in grade school, Captain Kevlar Underpants masters increasingly advanced weaponry, learning to breakdown, clean, and reassemble an M-1 rifle just like a good U.S. Marine, among other weapons. It culminates in his full appreciation of the stopping power of a .44 magnum at his sixth grade commencement. And who wouldn’t love to see a school kid taking target practice in the cafeteria by shooting tater tots thrown in the air by the lunch ladies.
JUNIOR HIGH
Colonel Harry Potter and the Air Cavalry
How about a precocious young man who is so smart, and so adept with firearms, that the U.S. Army puts him in change of 1st Squadron, 9th Air Cavalry Regiment? Who wouldn’t love to see a pre-pubescent boy calling the shots as his Huey helicopters, armed with .50 caliber machine guns, take on some bad guys and win the day?
The series continues with increasingly dangerous bad guys that only Colonel Harry can take on, as long as he has his trusty 14-shooter Glock 9mm at his side.
HIGH SCHOOL
The Fault in Our Mainstream Media
At an age when hormones take full control, it’s important to engage teenagers where it matters most, and tell a love story about how the east coast liberal media is twisting the truth about the mass shootings. (Facts don’t tell the whole story, and don’t even begin to address our *irrational* fear of annihilation — ha ha!) Let’s help those young lovers with young minds understand that guns don’t kill their classmates; it’s the lack of guns that kills their classmates. If every single person in America had no fewer than 27 armed weapons on their person at all times, America would be a safer place.
And what better way to experience true love than by knowing that everyone you date can kill you at any given moment.
REFERENCES
- “Gunsumer” is a blend of “guns” and “consumer.” You see what we did there?
- “Incept” is that thing they did in that movie about dreams a few years ago. We’d love to incept everyone into buying 27 guns each.
We’re hoping these books will prepare the next generation for whatever dangerous situation arises. Love to hear your feedback!
