Superman Paranoid After Too Many Gummies
It’s me, Superman, and yes, I’m here to apologize. What happened yesterday was totally my fault. I ate some weed gummies, and I didn’t know how strong they were. It’s not an excuse, but I didn’t mean to get so blazed in the middle of saving the world.
I had Lex Luthor cornered when the gummies kicked in. That’s when this superhero got super hammered. Instead of capturing Luthor, I flew back to the Fortress of Solitude, and freaked-out under a blanket.
I started wondering if everyone was out to get me, including Jimmy Olsen, my bosses at The Daily Planet, and my colleagues at the Justice League. I even started doubting my shawty bae, Lois Lane. I imagined everyone was working together to kill me with a bunch of kryptonite. Crazy, right? By the time I chilled-out, and ate six loaves of raisin bread, Luthor had escaped.
Some of you will be shocked to learn that Superman gets super stressed. That’s one reason I’m stressed — your expectations that I always have to be perfect. After a while, Superman felt like a role I was playing, instead of being myself.
That’s when I started riding the chronic train to nugtown.
It began one day in The Daily Planet break room. I was telling Jimmy Olsen I felt anxious, and he offered me a chunk of something called Rainbow Brainwreck Banana Kush. I’d never tried weed before, but Olsen had always been cool with me, turning me on to obscure Metropolis bands. So I decided to give it a try.
I was scared the first time, and asked Lois if she would do it with me. Turns out she was ripping bongs on her Daily Planet lunch break. We smoked some of Jimmy’s haze and got so high — literally, because I flew Lois to fifteen thousand feet above the city. We brought a spliff with us, but we couldn’t get it lit at that altitude, which we thought was hilarious. I flew her around the city, and we were both laughing so hard I thought I would drop her.
Problem solved, right? Wrong. It wouldn’t be good for my image to be hoovering a blunt as I streaked across the sky in pursuit of some supervillain, or have one of my enemies post photos of me sucking on a vape stick.