Survivor Goes Corona-Viral
Survivor, the Emmy Award-winning TV series, will soon begin shooting its 41st season, themed “Immunity Pill.” This edition, co-sponsored by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, features 20 test-negative physicians, hand-picked by President Trump, who have worked within one mile of an American Coronavirus epicenter. These medical masterminds will compete on Trump golf club properties that have recently been designated as containment zones. For this unique 21st anniversary edition of the groundbreaking series, players compete over the internet and greens simulators to win the coveted titles of Dr. Sole Survivor and Best Viral Strategist.
The doctors, supervised by Vice President Pence, pending approval from President Trump, will electronically interface with medical teams from red states around the country who are competing to create a timely, cost-effective immunization for the deadly COVID-19. The twenty doctors must have no connection to Centers for Disease Control Prevention, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Planned Parenthood, the American Medical Association, Doctors Without Borders, or the state of Indiana, and are expected to rely on their personal beliefs and ideologies. Any evidence of utilizing data-based research is strictly prohibited, and may cause players to face the return of the Edge of Extinction. Any statistics on the virus derived from medical interplay will be safe-guarded in basement vaults at Mar-a-Lago.
Like in the 20th anniversary edition, fire tokens will serve as currency, but this time they will be issued in Russian rubles. President Trump, a former reality star on The Apprentice, believes that the social distancing skills required of Survivor competitors combined with the acumen of medical professionals who have failed board certification (“overlooked,” according to Trump) will result in very high ratings, a win-win for the country.
“Believe me,” says Trump, “it’s a win-win. And I know win-win. It’s a bad place in China.”
President Trump also suggested that Mark Burnett, executive producer of both Survivor and The Apprentice, create a new program that focuses on stopping new viruses that enter from foreign countries.
“Handling golf clubs, shaking hands, the occasional orgasm. Life can be one big virus,” says Trump, a well-known germaphobe. “That’s why we need a killer series.”
When asked if the President or Vice President would make a token appearance on the 41st season of Survivor, Trump was noncommittal. “I no longer do TV. Pence may be President next. Who knows. By then, China might sink in the ocean. Lots can happen. Lots can happen.”
In the meantime, the National Guard will be deployed to keep Survivor players on their game, and prevent intervention or infection from any foreign sources. Countries that are rushing to develop and test vaccines for COVID-19 have been warned by the administration to steer clear of our red and green American airways.
Unlike previous Survivor winners who received monetary awards, the winner of this historic season receives an appointment as campaign strategist to President Trump, who has pledged to make the campaign, as well as his great country, healthy again.
