Humor/sports/eating
Sweeping Rule Changes for Eating Competitions
The International Federation of Competitive Eating adds new categories: insects & reptiles, animal sweetbreads and non-organic hardware
New York, NY — The world of competitive eating shocked sports enthusiasts yesterday when the IFOCE —the International Federation of Competitive Eating — announced widespread changes to the sport of professional gurgitation.
“Due to the cutthroat nature of some of our competitors, the IFOCE has been forced to up the ante in all of its sanctioned events by adding several new categories,” said George Shea, Chairman of the IFOCE. In an update posted on the Federation’s website, Major League Eating, Shea wrote, “Up until now, natural food products in various forms and methods of preparation were sufficient to challenge professional eaters from around the globe. But with the records falling at a startling rate, we’ve decided to increase the competition by including items generally not considered food — at least not in America.”
“Another guy downed forty-five conch fritters in less than six minutes! I don’t know what a conch fritter is, but he ate a whole lot of them.”
What Shea is referring to is the addition of three new gustatory categories: Insects & Reptiles, Animal Sweetbreads and Non-organic Hardware.
The additional categories were added in an attempt to challenge the numerous eating records currently held for baked beans, butter, cheesecake, beef tongue, hard boiled eggs, hot dogs, buffalo wings, brats, cannoli, catfish, chili cheese fries, corned dogs, crawfish, deep-fried okra, cream-filled donuts, fruitcake, garlicky greens, grits, haggis, huevos rancheros, jalapeno peppers, key lime pie, Mars bars, meatballs, sour pickles, reindeer sausage, rocky mountain oysters and spam.
“There’s one little lady named Sonya Thomas who ate over nine pounds of jambalaya last summer in ten minutes,” complained Shea. “Who on God’s green earth can compete with that? And, another guy downed forty-five conch fritters in less than six minutes! I don’t know what a conch fritter is, but he ate a whole lot of them.”
Insects are food, too
Following the success of the popular network television program, “Fear Factor,” the IFOCE will begin hosting competitive events for eating insects at its next scheduled competition at Rouses World Crawfish Eating Championship in New Orleans, LA. “We’re going to begin by featuring three insect categories: flies, cockroaches & beetles and a miscellaneous category that includes stink bugs, caterpillars, earwigs and ticks,” said Shea.
“We’ve heard of a guy down there named Huc-Mazelet Luquiens, who can wolf down seventy-two stink bugs in six minutes. And there’s a twenty-four-year-old woman named Sally George Doke from Atlanta that holds the local record for South African Dung Beetles.”
Early attempts with reptiles, however, have met with limited success. A reptile eating exhibition event was staged during the recent Johnsonville Bratwurst Random Drawing. “We only had two competitors. One of them got sick halfway through her Ball Python and the other one had to be carted off by paramedics after attempting to down an Inland Taipan — refuted to be one of the most venomous snakes in the world.”
“Cow brains aren’t generally considered sweetbreads, so that record will probably be thrown out unless we can find someone to challenge him.”
A more palatable event featuring animal sweetbreads will be hosted during the World Waffle Eating Contest in Atlanta, Georgia. Last year, Joey Chestnut edged out Sonya Thomas by eating eighteen pounds of bovine thymus in ten minutes. This year’s parotid gland eating contest will give some of the newcomers, already versed in sweetbread consumption, an opportunity to compete with the old timers,” said Shea.
“Of course, Takeru Kobayashi, past record holder for Nathan’s Coney Island hot dogs already has the record for 17.7 pounds of cow brains in fifteen minutes,” said Shea, “But cow brains aren’t generally considered sweetbreads, so that record will probably be thrown out unless we can find someone to challenge him.”
Please pass the wing-nuts
The newest category to be added is the non-organic hardware category. “The hardware category is open to just about anything you might be able to find in a Home Depot and fit in your mouth,” said Patrick Bertoletti, current record holder for strawberry rhubarb pie (7.9 lbs in 8 minutes on July 29, 2006).
“Although it’s not condoned by the IFOCE, I’ve been practicing with some 3/8 inch aluminum wing nuts, but will probably see how I do at the Ace Hardware Labor Day IFOCE Competition with some 1/4 inch slotted pan head screws. I’ve heard there’s a guy that works at the Lowes Home Improvement Center in Piney Woods, Texas that can eat twenty-seven pounds of hexagon flange nuts in seven minutes. I’m sure that’s some kind of record, because no one has ever done it before.”
Not included in the hardware category are the numerous varieties of plumber’s putties, silicone caulking and window sealants.
“We’re really hoping that these new categories take off and enhance not only the competitive nature of our contests, but draw more spectators to the events,” said Shea. “Right now, the highest winner’s purse for our events is $10,000 for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. But we think if we can get sponsorship from PBS’s This Old House, or the Do-It-Yourself Channel, we could really make it profitable for the contestants!”
